Midlife Makeover: Solmates

Though I am writing this beforehand, it will be published the day after the wedding. On May 15, two lives came together, and two individuals became a pair. The process of working out the details is life-long, if we give it that long (and many of us do not).

Last summer, in a vacation gift shop, I made a wonderful discovery. I found Solmates, a brand of hand-made socks that has since become a gift for any occasion. Jonathan and Jennie recently received a pair each for their birthdays. The gifts also carried a wedding wish. Solmates are colorful. They are creatively designed. They are made of recycled cotton. They are beautiful, individually and as a pair. They do not match! They harmonize, but do not match. I find them a wonderful metaphor for marriage.

Two souls find one another in the crowd. They discover a thread of mutual attraction. They enjoy the distinct yet compatible colors and patterns that emerge as they recount separate histories and dreams. With time, they collaborate in knitting new patterns and shapes, entwining experiences, thoughts, visions, and plans for a future together.

I have been writing in recent weeks about the growth of parent and child from birth toward independence. Independence is not, however, the end of the story. In exploring life’s full potential, many of us seek and find a mate. In so doing, we exchange some of our autonomy for togetherness. In midlife--the middle of living as individuals--we make ourselves over to match with another.

Like Solmates, the resulting pair is lovely. It is also functional, as two individuals fulfill a purpose together that neither can fulfill alone. Like Solmates, the individuals remain different while building a life in common as a pair. Happiness over the long term calls for honoring and celebrating the differences while seeking to knit with compatible colors and patterns.

Think about your partners in life...spouse, family, friends, workmates. Enjoy the differences and enhance the harmony that can result with a “mismatched pair.”

Take a look and enjoy! http://www.socklady.com/

Until the next time, go well. Pam

www.wellbuddies.com

Midlife Makeover: Partners in Parenting

There are so many bad jokes about in-laws. It’s scary. When Jonathan proposed to Jennie in October, we were delighted. It was not a surprise: We had helped him shop for and finance “the ring” earlier that month.

A few days later, a lovely note appeared in the mailbox. Jim and Mari wrote, graciously honoring the occasion and welcoming Jonathan into their lives for the long term. I was ready for Jennie. I had not yet expanded my view to appreciate that we were now part of a larger and more complicated web. I wrote back, feeling a little behind-the-curve in doing so.

December came, and Mari called (bless her heart). She invited me to begin the discussion of wedding dates, places, and plans. With this kind and welcoming gesture, she brought me to my senses. I finally realized that it was time for us to do something. As I often do with challenges these days, I pulled up “Google” and searched “role parents groom.” Results featured one prominent phrase: “Show up, shut up, and wear beige.”

That has, apparently, been traditional advice for the MOG (portrayed in the literature as a lowly subordinate to the MOB). I then wrote Mari a long e-mail, asking in so many words whether that was the role she expected from me. Her humorous reply initiated a wonderful friendship that I expect to enjoy forever.

Lyle and I are so lucky! Not only do we love Jennie, but we are also having fun getting to know her folks. Mari and I e-mail most days and have broadened our sharing beyond wedding plans. We share many values and interests, laugh together, and tend to be “detail-oriented” in a way that is both helpful and annoying to those around us. We are also learning from our differences and from one another’s experiences.

It is a big deal to share your child with someone else’s child. It’s an even bigger deal when two families embark on a shared future. Our perceptions, values, priorities, and behaviors as parents will now affect one another through the happiness of our children. There is no greater gift to our children (or ourselves) than to build a partnership in parenting that honors and celebrates similarities and differences in building a bigger and better whole.

How does your expanded family—by birth, by choice, by the choices of others—enrich your life?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Midlife Makeover: Balance and the Heart

Last week, I reflected on the personal significance of April 26. This week I anticipate the new meaning of May 15. It is all about transitions, balance, and the heart.

Emotional balance calls for weighing connection against autonomy. That balance is a challenge we face in friendship, on teams, and in families. What does it mean to be in relationship? How much do I ask that you change to please me, and how much do I change to accommodate you? What are the tipping points between dependence, independence, and interdependence? How does one achieve intimacy while retaining identity?

Parenting presents a particular challenge for us in seeking emotional balance. Our babies start out as a part of us. They spend the rest of their lives becoming separate. Our roles are to nurture and protect while enabling growth. To embrace and hold close while pushing out the door. There is no single point of balance; the scales are always in motion.

There are, however, milestones: The first day of kindergarten. First sleep-over. First date. Driver’s License. College. Study abroad. Graduation. First Form 1040 with “dependent” unchecked. OK, that’s about April 15.

I was talking about May 15. Jonathan and Jennie are marrying that day. Talk about milestones! From that day forward, “home” clearly has a different address for them. Next of kin, likewise. Their relationship has been incubating for two years, and the shift has been taking place over time. We celebrate the experience of seeing our only son find lasting love. We look forward to broadening our own family picture to include Jennie, her parents, her sister, and more.

On the other hand, the unique bond of emotional attachment that began with conception is stretched by this decisive occasion. It stretches to include Jennie and it stretches to allow Jonathan to become even more himself, apart from us. As it should be.

But tears form. As they should.

It is midlife; the middle of living. What does this time in life ask of your emotions? Are you passing milestones that call for more or less intimacy, more or less autonomy? Where does holding close interact with letting go in a new and important way?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Midlife Makeover: Giving Birth

Tomorrow, April 26, is a big day on the calendar for me. On that date in 1984, our son Jonathan arrived in the world. On the same date in 2009, the first issue of Reflections was published. Both experiences represent a birth. In giving birth, we bring from deep within the fruits of who we are and how we connect with the world.

A newborn is the culmination of two lifetimes by people who connect with one another. On the way to physical birth, we draw from our core genetic identities and nurture a child growing within. During pregnancy, we share the caring and feeding normally intended for ourselves alone. The sharing by parents with their new child is an outgrowth of their combined health and well-being, love and generosity, patience, and faith in the future.

I find that writing has much in common with childbirth on those many levels. Each week in sitting down with the laptop, I draw on the experience of a lifetime. I reflect on deep and rich connections with other people, daily experience, reading, and listening to the inner Spirit. In offering these words, I expand the scope of personal reflections and make them available to others. I hope to share from the store of health and well-being, love, generosity, patience, and faith in the future with which I have been entrusted.

Kahlil Gibran writes in The Prophet:

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”

My writing is not my writing. My thoughts are not my thoughts. They come through me but not from me.

Each of us is continuously giving birth. We bring forth the depth, experience, and connections of a lifetime, and offer them to others in our words and deeds.

How do you see this process at work in your own life? Who are the children of midlife for you? What is Life asking that you pass along for the benefit of all?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Midlife Makeover: Balance and the Mind

We know a lot about the body. We are much less certain about the mind. What is this strange creature that observes itself thinking, feeling, and acting? Is it all in the brain? In the hormones? In the ether? All of the above? Does it matter?

I have a new favorite book: Buddha’s Brain, by Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius. The authors combine their training in neurology, neuropsychology, and personal meditation practice to bring fresh perspective to the question of mind.

We know that the brain drives our behavior; we are less aware that behavior can change the brain. Neural pathways that generate perceptions and desires are strengthened by repeated use. The brain is more inclined to choose food if we habitually overeat. It goes to straight to anger if we do so often. It opens to optimism if we practice seeing the glass half full.

Balancing the mind calls for an optimal combination of stimulation and focus. Evolution has favored brains that constantly scan the environment for threats. Those who remained alert, watching and listening for predators, survived; those who slept soundly or focused on one task at a time were eaten. This primitive bias is an advantage when driving on a freeway. It is a liability when writing an article, completing the project at hand, or listening to a troubled friend.

As humans we can watch ourselves as we think, choose and act. We can use our observations to build new habits over time. Which patterns will we reinforce and which ones will we seek to weaken? What is the best personal balance between stimulation and calm for each of us? Do we want more capacity for focus, or less inclination to boredom? Do we want to act more quickly, or to look longer before we leap? Neither end of the spectrum meets all our needs, and each of us seeks a different tipping point.

Hanson proposes that, in today’s environment, we often wish for more calm and focus than we currently manage. I find that is true for me. How about you? Buddha’s Brain explores the practice of meditation, training the brain to be less reactive and more at peace. Try it out!

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Midlife Makeover: What is Midlife Anyway?

I love transitions. They have a unique energy for me.

Over a long career with many moves, I always looked forward to a new job, a new house, and new surroundings. I also enjoyed the opportunity to walk away from some unresolved issues, to leave unwanted baggage at the thrift store with the old couch, and to set aside patterns of thought and behavior that were not serving me well.

I loved the endings and beginnings. I still do.

In my new role as a wellness coach, I enjoy supporting others as they navigate from one life stage to another. I find myself describing the process of transition as a “midlife makeover. “ When I recently decided to offer a class through the local adult education program, I called it “Midlife Makeover: Health and Life Balance after 50.”

The tagline referring to age generated interesting reactions, especially among those in my circle who do not yet qualify for AARP. Those responses have triggered me to re-think the concept of "midlife." Is it really about being 50? Is it the mathematical midpoint between birth and our best guess of a lifespan? Is it over the hill? Let’s consider a different view.

Midlife: "in the midst of living." Carried along by the flow of our lives, whitewater and calm water alike. In motion. Work in progress. Letting go and reaching forward. Tapping energy. Seeing with fresh eyes. Fully engaged. Re-booting our systems. Thinking and feeling more clearly. Recycling.

What does midlife mean for you? How would you portray this time in your life as an opportunity for re-making choices, keeping those that work well and discarding the rest?

I am looking for a different and more expansive tagline. Help!

Until the next time, go well.


Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Midlife Makeover: Balance and the Soul

I find it meaningful to think of life balance in terms of body, heart, mind, and soul. Physical well-being provides a foundation; emotional health connects us with others; mental clarity enables us to focus; spiritual energy guides us toward the purpose and value of our lives. I usually take them in order, ending with the soul. This is, however, a holy week on the Christian calendar. It is a week for reflecting on our deepest insights about the meaning and importance of life.

Midlife can be a time of spiritual transition and expansion into new ways of seeing. We typically start out in life by defining success in terms of roles. As students, we strive for good grades, social popularity, and athletic achievement. As workers, we pursue income and benefits, promotion, responsibility, and recognition. In family roles, we value the health and happiness of partners and children, siblings and parents. We also play roles as volunteers, as learners, as leaders, as activists—each with its own standard of success.

The time comes, however, when we ask: What is the purpose behind the purpose? We look deeper: What does it mean to be happy? We find that inner peace arises from accepting what is, not from getting our way. Unconditional love brings more happiness than forcing others to meet our needs. We stop to enjoy the beauty of a sunset…or to listen, really listen to a loved one, without debating the validity of their viewpoint or reacting from the depths of self-interest.

We spend our lives building a self-concept out of successes and failures—at work, at home, on the athletic field, in the classroom. We are good musicians and terrible cooks, great hostesses, abysmal skiers, and the list gets longer with the years. In midlife we may seek to shed that list and to raise our sense of self and life purpose to a higher level: We live. We love. We enjoy. We accept. We appreciate. We are present.

Check out the following link to an article about the mother of my friend Bridget. Her lifelong journey toward meaning is an inspiration. www.jsonline.com/news/milwaukee/84283712.html

Until the next time, go well.


Pam
www.wellbuddies.com