Today I am stepping out of my comfort zone, and it surprises me. When I retired from a long and demanding career a couple of years ago, I felt relief. OK! Now I can do the things I like, and stop doing things that make me uncomfortable. I never liked budget meetings: they’re gone! Personnel actions: POOF! Mandatory online security training: History!
I looked for smooth sailing from here on out, at least when I had a say. I knew there would be a need to deal with health issues, changing roles, and global warming. But, where I had a choice, I could stay in my comfort zone.
Then one day, something weird happened. I decided to join Toastmasters. Like most people, I dread public speaking. I had considered joining while working, but never made the time to do so. Why now? I can easily avoid speaking in public these days. But I joined anyway. I am still outside my comfort zone, but have made noticeable progress after a year of learning.
Though public speaking is a challenge, getting better can be justified in light of my new coaching practice. Presentations can be a good marketing tool, and they help me share the passion for wellness with others. But what about dancing?
Last weekend, Lyle and I tried contra dancing. “Contra” is a good word, because this style of dancing runs contrary to everything that comes easily for me. Outside my comfort zone again, I fought to remember the difference between gypsy and swing, allemande and passthrough, partner and neighbor, left and right. I struggled with the intimacy of maintaining eye contact at close range, changing partners, and sweating with strangers.
While stressful, the decision to dance can be justified as well. We need aerobic exercise. We want to meet people. And following instructions uses the brain, generating neurons and postponing dementia.
Let’s expand the horizon, however, looking beyond these two adventures as means to an end. As I age, I realize that the attraction of comfort is a trap; a trap I want to avoid. To be alive is to stretch, to grow, to push the limits. The alternative is a comfortable glide path to the end. Yes, I want to shift the balance toward things I love and away from things I don’t. I also want to blur the boundary between the two, and move some activities from one column to the other.
How about you? Where does your comfort zone end and your sense of adventure begin? What have you done recently to push your limits? What have you considered but postponed doing? Is this the time?
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Midlife Makeover: Taking Charge in Times of Change
I keep coming back to the theme of “midlife makeover.” The phrase has power for me, and I like to re-engage it from time to time. I find energy in the message of fresh beginnings in mid-life…in the midst of living. Thirty-five years ago, I was given a bookmark with the words, “Life is what happens while you are making other plans.” That phrase lighted my way through the pain of separation and divorce. Change happens. How are we going to deal with it?
While we are making other plans, or careening through life at full speed: Our children leave home. Our parents need help. Our life partner takes a different path. Our health takes a turn for the worse. Our finances take a nosedive. We get a new boss, lose our job, or retire.
We have limited influence over the nature and timing of life changes. Yes, we can make plans: we can make sure our insurance is current, help our children shop for a college, set a retirement date, get that annual checkup, and monitor our IRA. But still, there will be surprises. Our happiness has a lot to do, ultimately, with how we handle the unexpected.
I like the concept of “makeover,” because it’s all about me. Women’s magazines start with a model who has bad hair, no makeup, and poor fashion sense. They illustrate the makeover, showing how far she has come in a few short hours. Weight Watchers’ success stories include “before” and “after” pictures. Those photos do not portray a person who has managed to re-do her apartment, her spouse, her boss, or her children. It demonstrates that success comes from personal mastery, from going within, making a difference, and letting it show.
We can take responsibility for building new strengths in times of change. We can master our mental and emotional responses, focusing on what works and discarding the habits that drag us down. We can fire up the power of our imagination to envision success. We can draw upon our competencies. We can engage our networks.
For the next few weeks, we will explore the challenges that change our lives. In so doing, we will look for perspectives that can transform our pain into a celebration of new possibilities.
What are some recent changes you have navigated in “midlife?” What is your success story? How did you apply your strengths and draw upon past experience to chart an effective course of thought, feeling, and action?
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
While we are making other plans, or careening through life at full speed: Our children leave home. Our parents need help. Our life partner takes a different path. Our health takes a turn for the worse. Our finances take a nosedive. We get a new boss, lose our job, or retire.
We have limited influence over the nature and timing of life changes. Yes, we can make plans: we can make sure our insurance is current, help our children shop for a college, set a retirement date, get that annual checkup, and monitor our IRA. But still, there will be surprises. Our happiness has a lot to do, ultimately, with how we handle the unexpected.
I like the concept of “makeover,” because it’s all about me. Women’s magazines start with a model who has bad hair, no makeup, and poor fashion sense. They illustrate the makeover, showing how far she has come in a few short hours. Weight Watchers’ success stories include “before” and “after” pictures. Those photos do not portray a person who has managed to re-do her apartment, her spouse, her boss, or her children. It demonstrates that success comes from personal mastery, from going within, making a difference, and letting it show.
We can take responsibility for building new strengths in times of change. We can master our mental and emotional responses, focusing on what works and discarding the habits that drag us down. We can fire up the power of our imagination to envision success. We can draw upon our competencies. We can engage our networks.
For the next few weeks, we will explore the challenges that change our lives. In so doing, we will look for perspectives that can transform our pain into a celebration of new possibilities.
What are some recent changes you have navigated in “midlife?” What is your success story? How did you apply your strengths and draw upon past experience to chart an effective course of thought, feeling, and action?
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Final Finisher Award: the Sequel
Last month we introduced the idea of presenting a special award to the runner who finishes last in a race. Many of you said you liked the idea. You will also like the way the story unfolded.
My friend Chuck read the Final Finisher article, and sent me a message. He knew the woman who had finished last in the race I was writing about. He knew she had overcome multiple challenges on her way to running 13.1 miles that day. He knew she was on the verge of moving across the country to start a new job. He suggested that we actually present her with an award—soon! Before she moved.
In less than 48 hours, it came together. We huddled with the running club director over a beer, and she loved the idea. A certificate was designed and framed. A copy of John Bingham’s The Courage to Start was rush-ordered from Amazon. The date, time, and place were set.
On September 30, Stacey Bray reported for her beginning runners’ class, to say good-bye before moving. We surprised her with the first-ever Final Finisher’s Award, surrounded by her new running buddies. After the event, Stacey shared a little about the journey that had brought her there. A year ago, her best friend committed suicide. In the process of recovering from that loss, Stacey decided to “choose life.” She stopped smoking. Lost weight. And started running. She entered shorter races,then registered for her first half marathon--and finished!
On October 2, Stacey ran the all-women’s Diva Day 5K. She wore a tiara. Her mom walked the event and, after her own finish, Stacey returned to walk her across the line. The next morning she drove out of town and headed across the country to start a new job, and to write a new chapter in the story of “choosing life.”
Meanwhile, back in Missoula, the Final Finisher was published in the October issue of our running club newsletter. The club Director wants to provide the option of such an award to race directors for any race in our series. My friend Chuck says the idea “has legs” (a serious compliment from a fellow runner).
Without enthusiastic response to the idea, without a friend who connected the dots and pushed for action, without the power of synergy...the Final Finisher Award was nothing more than material for weekly reflection. Here and gone. With those added ingredients, the seed of an idea is on its way to becoming a tradition, celebrating the Courage to Start, the Persistence to continue, and the Commitment to finish.
Look for that good idea hanging around in the background of your mind. What would it take to make it happen? Share it with friends. Combine your excitement. Fire up your synergy. You never know what might happen next!
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
www.wellbuddies.com
My friend Chuck read the Final Finisher article, and sent me a message. He knew the woman who had finished last in the race I was writing about. He knew she had overcome multiple challenges on her way to running 13.1 miles that day. He knew she was on the verge of moving across the country to start a new job. He suggested that we actually present her with an award—soon! Before she moved.
In less than 48 hours, it came together. We huddled with the running club director over a beer, and she loved the idea. A certificate was designed and framed. A copy of John Bingham’s The Courage to Start was rush-ordered from Amazon. The date, time, and place were set.
On September 30, Stacey Bray reported for her beginning runners’ class, to say good-bye before moving. We surprised her with the first-ever Final Finisher’s Award, surrounded by her new running buddies. After the event, Stacey shared a little about the journey that had brought her there. A year ago, her best friend committed suicide. In the process of recovering from that loss, Stacey decided to “choose life.” She stopped smoking. Lost weight. And started running. She entered shorter races,then registered for her first half marathon--and finished!
On October 2, Stacey ran the all-women’s Diva Day 5K. She wore a tiara. Her mom walked the event and, after her own finish, Stacey returned to walk her across the line. The next morning she drove out of town and headed across the country to start a new job, and to write a new chapter in the story of “choosing life.”
Meanwhile, back in Missoula, the Final Finisher was published in the October issue of our running club newsletter. The club Director wants to provide the option of such an award to race directors for any race in our series. My friend Chuck says the idea “has legs” (a serious compliment from a fellow runner).
Without enthusiastic response to the idea, without a friend who connected the dots and pushed for action, without the power of synergy...the Final Finisher Award was nothing more than material for weekly reflection. Here and gone. With those added ingredients, the seed of an idea is on its way to becoming a tradition, celebrating the Courage to Start, the Persistence to continue, and the Commitment to finish.
Look for that good idea hanging around in the background of your mind. What would it take to make it happen? Share it with friends. Combine your excitement. Fire up your synergy. You never know what might happen next!
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
www.wellbuddies.com
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Rock 'n Roll
The distance was the same: 13.1 miles. Everything else was different. In Choteau last July 102 runners followed a gravel road across the plains. In Denver last weekend 15,000 people shuffled by the Capitol en route to the starting line. Arranged in order of pace, my son Jonathan was in "Corral 2." I was in "Corral 15." The racehorses and the plowhorses. We were running the Rock 'n Roll Half Marathon.
Days later, as my aching legs and tight knees linger, I ask, "Why?" "Why have I done 13 miles 13 times?" "Why do I want to do it 18 more times before I die? The tour of 25 states, 13 miles at a time has just begun. I am staring Medicare in the face. Why?
I find the answer at the back of the pack. After leaving Jon with his peers, Lyle walked me several blocks through the cold, dark morning to the end of the line. I knew, as soon as I saw them, that these were "my people."
A woman sported a sign, "today is my 65th birthday." A bunch of matching t-shirts identified Camp Make-a-Wish, fundraising for children with cancer. Others supported the Crohns and Colitis Foundation. Leukemia and Lymphoma. Diabetes. Suicide prevention. Some wear their disabilities on the outside; others carry them in private. We all have them.
Setting a goal, facing a challenge, and sharing the experience is a powerful way to deal with limitations. Life overflows with painful setbacks and temptations to give up. Lining up with a group at dawn to launch three hours of effort develops traits that can be applied in other settings: believing in oneself, showing up, seeing it through.
Why do I do it? I do it for the joy of knowing that I can. I do it in solidarity with those who are dealing with illness and other hardships. I do it to support beginners, and in sympathy with others who are re-calibrating their expectations with age. I do it because it is better to slow down than to stop. And, on Sunday, I did it because there were rock 'n roll bands every mile along the course.
What rocks your soul and keeps you moving forward in life? How do you express the joy of what you can do? Why? Who are your people? Who’s on your team?
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
Days later, as my aching legs and tight knees linger, I ask, "Why?" "Why have I done 13 miles 13 times?" "Why do I want to do it 18 more times before I die? The tour of 25 states, 13 miles at a time has just begun. I am staring Medicare in the face. Why?
I find the answer at the back of the pack. After leaving Jon with his peers, Lyle walked me several blocks through the cold, dark morning to the end of the line. I knew, as soon as I saw them, that these were "my people."
A woman sported a sign, "today is my 65th birthday." A bunch of matching t-shirts identified Camp Make-a-Wish, fundraising for children with cancer. Others supported the Crohns and Colitis Foundation. Leukemia and Lymphoma. Diabetes. Suicide prevention. Some wear their disabilities on the outside; others carry them in private. We all have them.
Setting a goal, facing a challenge, and sharing the experience is a powerful way to deal with limitations. Life overflows with painful setbacks and temptations to give up. Lining up with a group at dawn to launch three hours of effort develops traits that can be applied in other settings: believing in oneself, showing up, seeing it through.
Why do I do it? I do it for the joy of knowing that I can. I do it in solidarity with those who are dealing with illness and other hardships. I do it to support beginners, and in sympathy with others who are re-calibrating their expectations with age. I do it because it is better to slow down than to stop. And, on Sunday, I did it because there were rock 'n roll bands every mile along the course.
What rocks your soul and keeps you moving forward in life? How do you express the joy of what you can do? Why? Who are your people? Who’s on your team?
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Your Brain on Drugs: Clarity
Today we will complete our three-week journey through the highlights of Buddha’s Brain by Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius. This final reflection touches on the role of the brain, its chemical messengers, and mental clarity. We will look into our ability to focus, to absorb, and to follow a train of thought without jumping off the tracks.
The thinking brain exercises three related functions: holding material in active memory, updating to keep it current, and actively seeking new information. Optimal mental activity relies on a balance among the functions. Any of the functions, out of control, has a dark side.
When I hold too tight to active memory, I become obsessive: focusing on fears or needs, re-running old tapes, and displacing more productive content. If the updating function is out of whack, distractions overtake my mind. I cannot read a page or write a sentence without listening to the barista taking another order, a political conversation at the next table. Stimulus-seeking raises distraction to another level; not only do I tune in to events nearby, but I go looking for more—checking e-mail, getting a snack, calling a friend.
The chemical gate-keeper of mental attention is dopamine. When mental stimulation is moderate, dopamine closes the gate to new input, allowing us to focus on what we are doing now. When mental activity drops into the range of boredom, dopamine cracks the gate to let in some “breaking news.” If immediate danger or an intense craving arises, dopamine spikes and throws the gate wide for running from evil or pursuing the good.
I confess: mental focus is a major challenge for me. I welcome any suggestions for improving my ability to do one thing at a time, do it well, and sustain the effort. I am writing this morning at a coffee shop in Colorado, testing this theory in real life. The barista and conversation at another table are real-time events. Checking e-mail and updating my calendar and to-do list are hazards of laptop living.
Buddha’s Brain is a treasure trove of practical suggestions for improving the quality of mental and emotional experience. On the subject of focus, the authors suggest slowing down, talking less, doing one thing at a time, simplifying. They suggest setting an intention and developing rituals for keeping the intention in view (I am partial to stickies on the computer, bathroom mirror, and fridge.) They also recommend the practice of meditation to focus attention when tempted by distraction or hyperactivity.
What is your greatest challenge? Do thoughts fall out of your mind? Are they frequently diverted by events around and within you? Do you easily bore and go looking for action? These challenges are pervasive; they permeate our lives and our culture. We cannot escape, but we can use our understanding of the brain to respond more effectively when they arise.
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
www.wellbuddies.com
The thinking brain exercises three related functions: holding material in active memory, updating to keep it current, and actively seeking new information. Optimal mental activity relies on a balance among the functions. Any of the functions, out of control, has a dark side.
When I hold too tight to active memory, I become obsessive: focusing on fears or needs, re-running old tapes, and displacing more productive content. If the updating function is out of whack, distractions overtake my mind. I cannot read a page or write a sentence without listening to the barista taking another order, a political conversation at the next table. Stimulus-seeking raises distraction to another level; not only do I tune in to events nearby, but I go looking for more—checking e-mail, getting a snack, calling a friend.
The chemical gate-keeper of mental attention is dopamine. When mental stimulation is moderate, dopamine closes the gate to new input, allowing us to focus on what we are doing now. When mental activity drops into the range of boredom, dopamine cracks the gate to let in some “breaking news.” If immediate danger or an intense craving arises, dopamine spikes and throws the gate wide for running from evil or pursuing the good.
I confess: mental focus is a major challenge for me. I welcome any suggestions for improving my ability to do one thing at a time, do it well, and sustain the effort. I am writing this morning at a coffee shop in Colorado, testing this theory in real life. The barista and conversation at another table are real-time events. Checking e-mail and updating my calendar and to-do list are hazards of laptop living.
Buddha’s Brain is a treasure trove of practical suggestions for improving the quality of mental and emotional experience. On the subject of focus, the authors suggest slowing down, talking less, doing one thing at a time, simplifying. They suggest setting an intention and developing rituals for keeping the intention in view (I am partial to stickies on the computer, bathroom mirror, and fridge.) They also recommend the practice of meditation to focus attention when tempted by distraction or hyperactivity.
What is your greatest challenge? Do thoughts fall out of your mind? Are they frequently diverted by events around and within you? Do you easily bore and go looking for action? These challenges are pervasive; they permeate our lives and our culture. We cannot escape, but we can use our understanding of the brain to respond more effectively when they arise.
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
www.wellbuddies.com
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Your Brain on Drugs: Community
Today we will continue our journey through highlights of Buddha’s Brain by Hanson and Mendius. I hope that these brief reflections inspire you to check it out for yourself.
Last week we looked at the role of evolution, the brain, and hormones in human happiness. We celebrated the balance of excitement and calm, and the roles of instinct and reason in our responses to events. In studying happiness, scientists find that we thrive on the energy of hormones that arouse, while we depend for stability on hormones that relax.
This week, we explore another aspect of experience moderated by the brain: our relationships with others. In the process of evolution from reptiles to mammals, apes to humans, the brain has grown ever larger. In doing so, it has generated the capacity for social systems: bonding in pairs, caring for young, and living in communities. Over time, we have developed empathy, language, ethics, and spirituality. It appears that the capacity to love and support one another has been proven a successful strategy for humans, and we reap the benefits.
While romantic attraction generates an endorphin “high,” the love drug of choice over the long term is oxytocin. With its help, we experience connections with others and value their well-being on a par with our own.Oxytocin stimulates generosity and sacrifice, nurturing and commitment. It feels good when we are together; it hurts to let go.
As with other hormonal influences, the chemistry of connection engages in give-and-take with opposing forces. Stress and aggression, hatred and war are fueled by cortisol and testosterone: substances with a mission to search for enemies and destroy them.
The conscious mind can influence its chemical environment, distinguishing thoughtfully between friend and foe. While the primitive brain views only those most like itself as objects of empathy and concern, a more advanced perspective expands its horizon and finds commonality with those who are different. According to Buddhist thought, the community of compassion includes all sentient beings. All humans. Mammals. Birds. Reptiles. Insects. Yes, even mosquitoes.
What is your definition of “us?” Who is your friend, your sister or brother, your fellow traveler? Are you quick or slow to define others as “them?” As suspect, untrustworthy, even dangerous? Step back, take another look. Don’t we have more in common than appears on the surface? Our hormones tell us it feels good to bond. It feels bad to separate. Give it a try.
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
www.wellbuddies.com
Last week we looked at the role of evolution, the brain, and hormones in human happiness. We celebrated the balance of excitement and calm, and the roles of instinct and reason in our responses to events. In studying happiness, scientists find that we thrive on the energy of hormones that arouse, while we depend for stability on hormones that relax.
This week, we explore another aspect of experience moderated by the brain: our relationships with others. In the process of evolution from reptiles to mammals, apes to humans, the brain has grown ever larger. In doing so, it has generated the capacity for social systems: bonding in pairs, caring for young, and living in communities. Over time, we have developed empathy, language, ethics, and spirituality. It appears that the capacity to love and support one another has been proven a successful strategy for humans, and we reap the benefits.
While romantic attraction generates an endorphin “high,” the love drug of choice over the long term is oxytocin. With its help, we experience connections with others and value their well-being on a par with our own.Oxytocin stimulates generosity and sacrifice, nurturing and commitment. It feels good when we are together; it hurts to let go.
As with other hormonal influences, the chemistry of connection engages in give-and-take with opposing forces. Stress and aggression, hatred and war are fueled by cortisol and testosterone: substances with a mission to search for enemies and destroy them.
The conscious mind can influence its chemical environment, distinguishing thoughtfully between friend and foe. While the primitive brain views only those most like itself as objects of empathy and concern, a more advanced perspective expands its horizon and finds commonality with those who are different. According to Buddhist thought, the community of compassion includes all sentient beings. All humans. Mammals. Birds. Reptiles. Insects. Yes, even mosquitoes.
What is your definition of “us?” Who is your friend, your sister or brother, your fellow traveler? Are you quick or slow to define others as “them?” As suspect, untrustworthy, even dangerous? Step back, take another look. Don’t we have more in common than appears on the surface? Our hormones tell us it feels good to bond. It feels bad to separate. Give it a try.
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
www.wellbuddies.com
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Your Brain on Drugs: Equanimity
Do you remember the public service ads? “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs.” I am reminded of that image when I learn more about the brain and its many marvels. To a degree, our brains are always on drugs. Those drugs are the hormones that regulate everything from perceptions to emotions, from self-defense to mystical experience.
Last winter, I discovered a powerful book: Buddha’s Brain, by Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius. I re-visit the book periodically, and learn something new each time. I want to share some of those insights over the next few weeks. I think you will enjoy the glimpse into the brain, how it keeps us on track, and how to work with that knowledge to build a better life.
The human brain is designed for happiness. It aims for a dynamic balance between excitation and repose, between overload and boredom. Happiness oscillates between the energy of "doing" and the inner calm of "being". Sympathetic and parasympathetic. Amygdala and anterior cingulate cortex.
Our evolutionary ancestors were not so happy. They scanned for threats and fought or fled on impulse. The “reptilian” part of our brain still plays that role in our lives. It directs the sympathetic nervous system to protect our interests with vigilance. It pumps cortisol into the system. The primitive brain reacts to those drugs with stress.
Over time, however the human brain developed a cortex—the seat of mental reflection. With the capacity to observe and evaluate, we grew the capacity to determine whether a situation truly threatened and called for action. The parasympathetic system makes sure we don’t go overboard, fearing imaginary monsters or seeing friends as foes. It suppresses cortisol and releases serotonin: a drug that calms the brain, enabling it to respond rather than react.
Watch the brain mindfully as it deals with your day. Feel the impact when it senses an insult and rises to the threat. Appreciate the peace that flows when the cooler mind enters the scene, sizes it up, and declares it safe after all. The zone of clarity between reaction and response is known as equanimity.
What practices do you employ to foster equanimity? Take a deep breath. Exhale. Count to ten. Go for a walk. Imagine a peaceful scene. Access the cortex, listen to its wisdom, and choose.
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
Last winter, I discovered a powerful book: Buddha’s Brain, by Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius. I re-visit the book periodically, and learn something new each time. I want to share some of those insights over the next few weeks. I think you will enjoy the glimpse into the brain, how it keeps us on track, and how to work with that knowledge to build a better life.
The human brain is designed for happiness. It aims for a dynamic balance between excitation and repose, between overload and boredom. Happiness oscillates between the energy of "doing" and the inner calm of "being". Sympathetic and parasympathetic. Amygdala and anterior cingulate cortex.
Our evolutionary ancestors were not so happy. They scanned for threats and fought or fled on impulse. The “reptilian” part of our brain still plays that role in our lives. It directs the sympathetic nervous system to protect our interests with vigilance. It pumps cortisol into the system. The primitive brain reacts to those drugs with stress.
Over time, however the human brain developed a cortex—the seat of mental reflection. With the capacity to observe and evaluate, we grew the capacity to determine whether a situation truly threatened and called for action. The parasympathetic system makes sure we don’t go overboard, fearing imaginary monsters or seeing friends as foes. It suppresses cortisol and releases serotonin: a drug that calms the brain, enabling it to respond rather than react.
Watch the brain mindfully as it deals with your day. Feel the impact when it senses an insult and rises to the threat. Appreciate the peace that flows when the cooler mind enters the scene, sizes it up, and declares it safe after all. The zone of clarity between reaction and response is known as equanimity.
What practices do you employ to foster equanimity? Take a deep breath. Exhale. Count to ten. Go for a walk. Imagine a peaceful scene. Access the cortex, listen to its wisdom, and choose.
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
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