Holiday Survivor: Set Them Wide, Set Them Low

When the Survivor series began in November, we focused on the formal public holidays: the ones with red dates on the calendar and greeting cards in the stores. We explored core holiday values such as gratitude, religious purpose, generosity, and new beginnings. And, in the pursuit of a happier, healthier, and more peaceful season, we have been setting goals and monitoring progress from week to week.

Today I invite you to consider yet another key component of year-end (and beginning) in our culture: football tournaments and championship games. My fellow coach and buddy, Jen, employed a goal-post reference in her Facebook post this week. Her analogy challenged me to reflect once again on goals, success and celebration.

So often we set personal goals on a par with solving the economic crisis and securing world peace. As we look forward into a new year and its inevitable resolutions, we are tempted to build a long and comprehensive self-improvement list. Before long, the list yellows and crumples and falls to the bottom of our pile. Reality re-asserts itself. We resign ourselves again to the fact that this will not be the year for losing 40 pounds, running a marathon, mastering Tai Chi, or learning Hindi. We sign up for the 8-week fitness program, and go twice. Santa brings a home gym, but we don’t get around to clearing space and setting it up. Sigh.

You may wonder what happened to the football game. I’m getting there. The goal post represents a critical element of success in football. Touchdowns make a bigger impression, but field goals and “extra points” often win or lose the game. We Montana Grizzly fans are painfully aware of the field goal that almost-but-didn’t happen in the championship game this year.

Likewise, when building new and healthier habits, the one-point victories are critical to winning the game and, eventually, the season. What are you most proud of doing yesterday to enhance your well-being? What will define success today? Share your intent with a buddy and celebrate success together. When you miss an extra point, review the tapes and adjust your approach.

When it comes to goalposts in the personal improvement game, I also encourage you to “set them wide and set them low.” Success is built, one point at a time, by taking on the “do-able,” today and again tomorrow.

Wishing you a happy and healthy transition to the New Year.

GO TEAM!

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Staying the Course

Here we are, entering Week 5 of the season that began with turkey, cranberries, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie. As we have reflected together on holiday wellness, I have encouraged a process of setting do-able weekly goals that support your personal holiday values. If you are like most of us, some weeks worked better than others, some goals made a difference, and some did not survive the competition with other priorities.

With 11 days to go in 2009, how do we look at the process of establishing and maintaining habits that support the life we want to live? Are health and well-being a project we take on a few weeks at a time, once or twice a year? Or are they core elements of our life’s journey? If the former, we might drop those good intentions now and pick them up again on January 2. If the latter, we will continue using this time of extra challenge to develop skills and strengths to enter the New Year with optimism and conviction.

Let’s look at the next few days as if they were the home stretch on a long run or hike or bike ride or river trip. Since Thanksgiving we have enjoyed many holiday experiences. We have also, quite likely, gotten a flat tire, skinned a knee, or flipped in the rapids. What did we do after things went awry? Maybe we stopped, had a fit, and gave up on the trip. Maybe we allowed ourselves to remain crabby for several days, looking for someone to blame. Or maybe, like my buddy Cristi (after her Christmas tree blew off the car and the car later caught on fire and the brakes and steering went out) you laughed and said “at least no one was hurt.”

Cristi is a role model for me this season. She reminds me to take it in stride and enjoy the ride. Treat the holiday experience as a journey. Release the idea of a perfect destination. Assemble a flexible array of activities and traditions you might enjoy, then choose “in the moment” the ones that fit best for you and yours. If you try something and it doesn’t work, let go, laugh, and give thanks for the chance to learn. Stay the course.

If you can maintain a spirit of adventure and flexibility, you will be well on your way to a happy new year. You will savor the memories of lovely moments and passing stresses. You will celebrate successes. You will have energy for a surge into new beginnings. You will view those New Year’s resolutions as building on progress, not making up for past “sins.”

So, which will it be for you? What one small thing will you do in the coming week to stay the course and honor those core holiday values that mean the most?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: It’s an Energy Thing

Mid-December is a great time to revisit my favorite energy book, The Power of Full Engagement. Those who have been reading Reflections for awhile will remember authors Jim Loehr, Tony Schwartz, and their concept of oscillation.

According to Loehr and Schwartz, humans have an internal energy cycle that turns over every 90-120 minutes or so. They recommend that we design our time with a cycle of effort and recovery that taps into the natural cycles. If we oscillate between energy output and energy intake, we will be more effective in sustaining productivity over the long haul.

It is so easy this time of year to run on overload. We act on the illusion that we will get more done if we rise early, push hard, and go to bed late. We skip our workouts, go shopping during lunch hour, and move from daytime work into evening commitments without a break. Is it surprising that fatigue and poor health often flow from such a schedule?

What would it take to manage a holiday schedule that incorporates both periods of exertion and periods of recovery?

Look at the week ahead. Pick a day or two that present a particular challenge to your energy. Apply creative purpose to the challenge of designing that day with oscillation. After baking or writing cards for an hour or so, sit down and read the paper for 15 minutes. At work, schedule a 15-minute walk with a friend after focusing on a single project for 90 minutes. Commit to leaving early for the Christmas concert, so you can find parking and a seat and still have 20 minutes to stare into space before the music begins.

Oscillation counters the impulse to work on everything at once, or to skip from task to task in units of minutes rather than hours. The discipline of alternating exertion with recovery is useful any time of year. It is especially helpful now.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Find a Buddy, Be a Buddy

Wellbuddies Coaching takes its name from the importance of partners on the journey to health and happiness. Surviving the holidays and celebrating success on New Year’s Day are more likely to happen if we do it together.

Buddies are found in many places, and they support one another in different ways. My weekly Weight Watchers® meeting is a major source of support when it comes to healthy eating and weight management. Joan, Gail, and I maintained a recent hiking commitment in the face of unplanned snow, rain, fog, and mud. Ann and I meet for a long run, even when the overnight low leaves frost on the grass. Jane and I exchange e-mails almost daily, supporting one another from a distance through the peaks and valleys of work and family life, eating, exercise, and energy. Finally, I am working with my life partner Lyle to plan holiday travel and family visits that include physical activity, nutritious eating, and adequate rest.

How might you engage with others in a spirit of mutual support during this time of accelerated stress and busy-ness? Meet for physical activity. Brainstorm ideas for dealing with stress. Share healthy recipes. Check in by phone or e-mail to encourage one another’s commitment to holiday goals. Serve as a sounding board for frustrations and setbacks, then encourage a fresh start and sustained effort.

Who are your wellbuddies? Which aspects of your wellness journeys do you share? What will you do in the coming week to offer support your buddies, and to ask for theirs?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Small Steps are Best

I want to maintain a healthy weight over the holidays. I want to hold an open house. I want to mail holiday letters early. I want to enjoy the family gathering at Aunt Tillie’s house. These sound like great goals. They fit within my top priorities and support my core holiday values. What could be wrong with this picture?

All of these goals are large. They are vague. They encompass a timeframe a month or more in length. They describe outcomes. These goals are good intentions that point in the right direction, but they will not pave the road to happy holidays. A plan for success calls for setting goals that are small and specific, fit within the coming week, and identify actions we take to move toward desired outcomes. Our long-term vision of happiness must be broken down into steps that are do-able.

Many of us worry about chubbing-up over the holidays. I want to maintain my current weight, and may dream of dropping another pound or two. What will I do this week to support that outcome? First, I will check my calendar for social occasions centered on food. (Aren’t they all, this time of year?) I will envision the day of the holiday lunch in detail. I’ll plan what to eat that morning for breakfast, what to snack on mid-morning, and what I will have in the evening—emphasizing healthy, low-calorie options for most of the day. I will then decide how to manage the lunch itself, including beverage, main course, dessert. If I need to buy fruit or oatmeal or a chicken breast the weekend before, I will plan those actions as well. I will make and follow a checklist for taking the steps I have planned.

We certainly don’t want to approach every aspect of holiday life with the level of detail described above. Many of us hold a core value of celebrating in the moment, without all the structure and discipline we strive for the rest of the year. On the other hand, outcomes tied to core values may be worth the effort of detailed planning.

If I want to enjoy Aunt Tillie’s family gathering, what will it take to deal with thorny relationship issues differently this time? What steps can I take to improve the experience? If am stressed by last-minute mailings, it helps to list all the steps—write the letter, make copies, print photos, buy envelopes, order return-address labels, get stamps, update the address book, and schedule several chunks of time to writing personal messages, folding, stuffing, and licking. If I want to finish early, how do I define early, and what do I do when?

What small steps will you take next week, toward holiday outcomes that mean the most to you?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Reasons for the Season

The most intense concentration of winter holidays cluster in the six weeks between Thankgiving and New Years. They also center on the Winter Solstice, the day with least sun and most darkness for those of us in the northern hemisphere. Why do we gather now to celebrate our deepest religious convictions, express love and generosity, give thanks, and begin anew?

Winter is a season of challenge for life forms ranging from algae to alligators, hedgehogs to humans. Virtually the entire web of life depends upon the sun for energy, transformed by plants into food for animals and so on up the food chain. During the time of year that sun is most scarce, the living world has reason for collective concern. Our ancestors in the far north developed ceremonies that bid farewell to the sun and reminded it to return in spring. Even today, we know that mood can be affected by darkness and recent headlines declare that no one gets enough Vitamin D, the “sunshine vitamin in winter.

Outside of the tropics, winter is also a season of cold. Plants die or go dormant with freezing temperatures. Animals migrate or hibernate or shift their strategies to deal with lack of warmth and food. Humans layer on the clothes, crank up the heat, and make travel plans for Arizona, Florida, and the Caribbean.

It is no coincidence that we have generated traditions that generate festivity and celebration in mid-winter, when we need it most. This is just the right time to give thanks for our blessings,including the fruits of fall harvest. It is a perfect time to remember our most inspiring beliefs and to connect with our source of meaning and purpose. And, as the darkest day comes and goes, we are enlivened by optimism. The sunlight is returning...and we declare a New Year. Because we are a social species, we share these experiences of gratitude, faith, and renewal with those we love the most.

Last week you named three core holiday values--your personal reasons for the season. What worked well with actions you committed to take this week? What did you learn about the challenge of setting priorities and keeping promises to yourself? What three actions do you want to take next week? How will you strengthen the likelihood of success? Consider sharing your experiences here, in support of wellbuddies with similar challenges.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Reflect and Project

As we look forward through November and December, many of us are daunted by demands of the season. We wonder whether we can balance the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual dimensions of holiday observance without veering off center and toppling.

I would like to explore that challenge together in coming weeks, borrowing a title from the popular TV reality show, Survivor. Here we are, stranded on an idyllic island we variously call Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Black Friday, Eating Season, and the Winter Solstice. Although life on the island promises happiness, it often delivers less than we hope for.

I suggest that we enhance our holiday enjoyment by reflecting and projecting. Let’s reflect for a moment on our past experience, and project the lessons we have learned before onto the weeks ahead. (A few open moments, pen, and paper are helpful for this exercise.)

Quiet your mind, take 5 deep breaths, and ask yourself: “What are some of my favorite memories of holidays over the years? What happened, and what details do I remember most fondly?” List the holiday experiences, activities, and traditions that have meant the most to you.

Is religious observance a part of your list? What about decorating the house? Family gatherings? Baking? Do you love selecting perfect gifts for everyone on your list? Charitable giving or volunteer work? What about sending letters and cards? Do you live for parties, and enjoy entertaining? I suspect the complete list is a long one.

Now, take a harder look at the list and pare it down from “good” to “best.” If you could choose only three holiday traditions to feature this year, what would rise to the top? Why are they he most important for you? What underlying values do they represent? Is family most important? Inner peace and spiritual focus? Social connections? Physical health and energy?

Let’s position those three core holiday values at the center of your seasonal commitment. Name one action you will take next week for each core value. Perhaps you will engage daily in spiritual reading. Spend an afternoon writing the annual holiday letter. You might research options for family snow play. Run with a buddy. Put the actions on a calendar. Commit.

Many of your upcoming holiday events and activities will not fit within the top three values you have listed. That’s OK. However, if you have clearly identified your deepest values and highest priorities, those are more likely to come first when challenged by the rest. If they come first, you will emerge on the other end of December, satisfied that you not only survived the holiday season, but thrived. I look forward to celebrating success in the New Year.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

One Hundred Miles of Opportunity

Last weekend, I remembered again why I am such a proud mom. For the second year in a row, my son Jonathan entered a hundred-mile endurance run. For the second year in a row, according to official results, he “did not finish.” As he described it the first time, “I want to run an ultra, and this one fits my schedule. Maybe 100 miles is longer than I can run now, but I can run as much of it as I want.”

Why am I so proud? I am proud that Jonathan is mature enough at 25 years of age to envision an ambitious goal, to train for that goal, and to test himself in a very public setting. He let us all, family and friends, know about his venture. He shared the outcome with us all, happily and without apology after choosing when to end the quest. Last year he finished 45 miles; this year he finished 62 miles (100 kilometers­­). This year, he was also awarded an impressive silver belt buckle. Even race organizers acknowledge that “Plan B” is far better than no plan at all.

Jonathan likes to stretch himself and to aim beyond assured success. He likes to run for hours, and enjoys participating in group events. He wants to succeed. He would like to win. He is also mature enough to know and to accept when his body and spirit are expended. He is willing to stop at that point, adjust his definition of success, and celebrate the results--whatever they are. He enjoys the support of family, friends, and a new fiancée. We celebrate with him, recognizing the achievement of traversing 62 miles of desert, on foot, in 17 hours.

The goals we set for ourselves take many forms: they range from seemingly impossible dreams to small daily and weekly steps, around which we are more confident of success. The dream or vision sets the course; the smaller steps take us there. I like to think of the larger vision as the opportunity. Our training and effort determine how much of that opportunity we achieve in a given month, year, or decade of our lives. I offer the opportunity to learn, with my son, that achievements heading in the direction of our dreams are the stuff of success and celebration.

What is your most ambitious goal? What did you do in the past month to take you there, and how are you celebrating your progress? What will you do next week to take you further? Share your past success and future intent with others: strengthen your commitment by making it public.

Resist the temptation to think in terms of failure. Embrace the vision of testing, adjusting, and continuing from year to year. Life is indeed a marathon (or an ultra) not a sprint.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Fall Back, Reflect, Play it Again

As I work with people who want to live more effective lives, I am impressed with the role of reflection in personal growth. This weekend, as we turn back the clocks in adjusting to winter’s darker days, I am inclined to use that ritual as a reminder to reflect. This one day of the year, we have a chance to re-live one hour in a miniature time warp. We are drinking our morning coffee. The clock says seven. Voila! The clock says six. How do we want to spend that hour now, using the insights we gained from living it the first time?

Reflection is the act of stepping back from direct experience and viewing it from a distance. With a different perspective, we can see ourselves from the outside and observe our thoughts, feelings, and choices as if they belonged to someone else. We can ask ourselves questions that allow us to probe more deeply, understand more clearly, and learn from experience. We can chart a new course that enables us to try new approaches to opportunities and challenges.

As we charge toward winter, I find myself reflecting on lessons I have learned year after year with seasonal change. It is a big deal for me! As I noted already in September, the urge to hunker down, eat more carbs, and conserve energy is stronger than the excitement of getting up, out, and about. Reflection also reminds me that a structured approach to eating and exercise in the short term can get me through this tight spot and lead to enjoyable, sustainable, health-happy winter habits in a month or so. I have learned that active is better than passive in navigating the transition of November into the holidays.

What has helped you maintain a commitment to wellness through seasonal changes in the past? What is the key to your strategy for success this year? Given the chance to play it again, what will you do to take a cue from past successes and setbacks?

When the time came to share my wellness journey more widely, I chose Reflections as the name for this weekly journal. The reflections of others trigger exploration for me, and I trust the same is true for you. In sharing, we expand our search and the discoveries of our buddies reflect off our own. I encourage you to share your reflections with one another using the wellbuddies blog.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Science and Good Intentions: the Brain, Impulse, and Choice

The word emotion comes from roots that say “move .” The experience of emotion has an element of the involuntary. Feelings such as anger or fear can move us urgently to fight or flight. Feelings such as fondness and enthusiasm guide us toward cooperation and productive effort.

Our feelings can surge, wild and impulsive, on their own. In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman describes impulse as “feeling waiting to burst into action." Emotional intelligence includes the capacity to separate impulse from action and to insert reflective choice. Emotional intelligence is an important skill for the wellness journey.

Many of our least helpful habits are engrained and reinforced by emotional patterns. We eat when we are angry or bored or anxious. We abuse caffeine when we feel tired and alcohol when we feel shy. Loneliness can lead to mindless channel- or net- surfing. Healthier lifestyles call for learning new ways to work with emotions, attaching different responses to familiar stimuli. Our success in doing so can make the difference between good intentions and lasting change.

When the senses receive a stimulus, that stimulus is transmitted immediately to the amgydala, which reacts--and more slowly to the neocortex, which thinks. A reaction can become established in “emotional memory” and continue to function for a lifetime without passing through the reflective mind. Some paths are helpful, such as stepping on the brake when a bike darts into the street. Others are less helpful, such as reaching for a cookie when our partner makes a critical remark.

The process of building new habits entails re-wiring the brain, connecting key emotional stimuli with new responses. We bring the power of the neocortex into play, and make intentional changes to automatic patterns. We can learn to defuse anger with a workout, fatigue with a nap, anxiety with deep breathing, loneliness with a phone call instead of the unhealthy alternatives.

Where in your life do emotions hijack the brain on its way to thoughtful choice? Which responses would be healthier if you were not on auto-pilot? Pick one and lock in “manual controls” for a week. Keep notes that help you remember to stop, think, and choose differently. Watch the results and observe that new patterns become easier with repetition. While emotional behaviors may feel involuntary, they respond surprisingly well when confronted and re-directed until a new habit forms.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Sparks and Smooth Edges

My generation is engaged in mass exodus from the world of work into the promised land of retirement. The journey is filled with joys and challenges (much like the rest of life). We all seem to enjoy the freedom to wake up when we are ready. We like to choose our priorities, which often translate into more play and less drudgery. My friend Olleke describes her experience as “more Being, less Doing.”

While the joy of more freedom is one recurring theme; another, on the "challenge" side of the ledger, is at least as common. We wonder how to share time and space, 24-7, with our life partners after 30-or-more years of coming and going from separate worlds. I have come to think about that transition in terms of rough edges.

Like rocks and minerals, we develop an irregular shape over the course of our lives. Our psyches have hardened through habit, and we identify deeply with our preferences and opinions, values and schedules. Early to rise or late to bed, to air-dry or wipe the dishes, many projects or few, more play or more work, social life vs solitude, travel or not and (if so) where and for how long? Some couples sail through the transition to these new daily choices on a wave of unconditional of love and mutual consideration. I don’t happen to know those couples. The rest of us have rough edges.

Like the demons and dead ends we explored last week, rough edges provide us with a choice. We can insist and resist. Rough edges—when for example, they are embodied in flint and steel—generate sparks, heat, and fire. Most fires are small and go out on their own. Others expand and overcome the commitment of years: divorce among the recently retired is a growing trend.

An alternative choice is to see rough edges as smooth stones in the making. As we rub against one another’s bumps and points, we can choose to re-frame our absolutes in relative terms. Maybe there is space in this household for more than one opinion, or more than one approach to scheduling the day. Perhaps we can learn to enjoy something we never tried before. Maybe it is OK for my partner to pursue separate interests while I pursue mine, comparing notes at the end of the day.

Rough edges do not wait for retirement to emerge, and they are not unique to couples. We rub against differences with others all the time: at home, at work, in the neighborhood, on the freeway. We are faced hour-to-hour with the choice between insisting on our way, accommodating the demands of another, or seeking a solution that works for us both.

Where in your life do the rough edges rub? How do you work with the heat and light that result?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Of Demons and Dead Ends

A recent message from my buddy Wes occupies an honored place in the sticky-gallery on my computer: “How we deal with failure is far more defining than how we deal with success.” Like all of us some of the time, he had come through a tough week. Good intentions had evaporated in the heat of reality; the effort to meet everyone’s needs had fallen short of meeting them well. The story is universal; it is the human condition. How, then do we define our response?

Setbacks and challenges come from all directions. Some originate within; they are traits and habits that trip us up and prevent our progress. I call them demons. Years ago, I read the Tibetan Book of the Dead. As I recall, the spirit journeys through death on its way to rebirth. The path is guarded by demons, described in terrifying detail. The only way out is to engage the demons and move forward into the next life. Likewise, our personal demons demand attention. Failure, while painful and intimidating, shows us much about ourselves. Those insights allow us to engage our demons, to disarm them, and to be transformed into a better self.

Other challenges arise as external circumstances; they block our path. I call them dead ends. Given the season, envision a corn maze. The maze is laid out as a game with paths that work and those that don’t. Only by trial and error do we find the route that is open from end to end. If we walk the maze repeatedly, we learn from experience and navigate the intersections with confidence; we bump into fewer dead ends and complete the journey with ease. Likewise, setbacks on our life journey provide critical information about the route and the knowledge we need to navigate more smoothly in the future.

Setbacks do not feel good at the time. We are goal oriented and want to make the trip from beginning to end without a hitch. We may get frustrated and angry--with ourselves and with our circumstances. We may be tempted to give up. Or, we may choose to engage, and to celebrate the chance to learn once again from experience.

Name the demons and dead ends you have recently encountered. How have you responded? How might you re-frame failure as learning? Which personal traits have given you trouble, and what are strategies to engage and disarm those traits the next time? What are the environmental realities, and how might you design a route that finds the open way?

Our choices in the face of failure define the depth of our character, the quality of our journey, and the likelihood of our reaching the destination we desire.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Science and Growth: Building on Success

We in the US have generated a multi-billion dollar industry in our search for a healthy lifestyle. We buy exercise equipment, join health clubs, keep publishers in business with our love of diet books. We employ personal trainers (and coaches) and attend weight loss seminars.

Yet, we remain stuck in the land of good intentions, and we beat up on ourselves. Underlying the desire to change is a haunting fear that we can’t really do it. We recall past failures and dwell on the barriers to change. We will not be ready to take action until we can envision success with confidence in our capacity to grow.

David Cooperrider, at Case Western Reserve University, found a parallel dynamic in his work with organizational change. When organizations face a challenge, they typically focus on the problem, seek its root cause, and set out to fix what is broken. Cooperrider has tested an alternative approach. He begins with what is working well, and guides the organization to identify its unique strengths. His process, “Appreciative Inquiry,” encourages people to tell their success stories and to re-create the energy, excitement, and creativity associated with efforts that bear fruit. Organizations using this approach have realized remarkable outcomes.

Appreciative Inquiry has also proven effective in working with individual change. The following assumptions, tested first in an organizational setting, are also powerful when you are working with your desire for healthier life habits:

· In every organization (or individual), something works well.
· What we focus on becomes our reality.
· People have more confidence in the future if they bring something familiar from the past
· When we carry forward parts of the past, they should be the best parts.
· The language we use becomes our reality.

What works well in your life? What would your life look and feel like if you focused only on your strengths? What will you bring forward from past success in the area you want to improve now? Do energy and excitement grow as you bring forward the best of the past? How will you talk about the change you want to make—as a problem to be solved or a vision to be pursued?

Peter Drucker, a management guru at the Claremont Graduate University, once remarked that “leading change is about aligning people’s strengths so that their weaknesses become irrelevant.” Making lasting personal change is about aligning your strengths with your vision so that weaknesses fade into the background.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Cooler, Darker, Busier: It Must Be Fall

According to the paper, bears are eating 20 hours a day, storing up fat to last through the winter. Seated comfortably at the kitchen table, I find myself following suit. There is a powerful urge to eat more carbs, eat more fats, and fill to overflowing. The paper also notes that sun arrives here at 7:30 am and departs at 7:30 pm. Maybe that is why I find it so hard to wake up early for reflection or exercise, and why I lurch into the day groggy and unfocused.

Autumn is a spectacular season, and a favorite for many of us. Clear days with a crisp nip around the edges generate energy. Turning colors are brilliant against deep blue skies. The harvest is ripe, and farmers' markets abound with colors and tastes to savor and put away for later. Autumn is also, however, a time of transition, and transitions call for re-calibrating our expectations.

The seasons provide a convenient framework for reflection and anticipation. With the solstice and the equinox, we have a chance to look back, learn from, and celebrate the season that is coming to a close. We can also look ahead to what in our lives is changing, and develop strategies to adjust where needed. Students, teachers, and parents struggle to meet the demands of school and sports. Hunters scout the territory and sort their gear. Football fans consume weekend meals around tailgates. Plants are setting seed and birds are migrating.

What does the transition into fall look like in your life? Are you challenged to re-mix your workouts in the face of new schedules and less daylight? Do body and soul crave comfort food while mind and conscience struggle to meet that craving without bulking up? Does your schedule favor pizza-on-the-run over five servings of fruits and veggies? Are you overwhelmed by action and starved for reflection? You are not alone—these themes echo in conversations across the season, from brewpubs to Facebook.

Consider a broad range of strategies for adapting to the challenges of fall. Join a gym. Dust off the treadmill. Pull out yoga tapes. Buy some tights and a turtleneck. Engage a buddy in pre-dawn workouts. Keep a food log to eat mindfully and make wiser choices. Prepare and pre-package food on the weekend to offset a fast-food default during the week. Capture small gaps in the flow for reflection or reading—waiting for a child’s piano lesson, stopping at a coffee shop instead of driving through.

Transitions are times of disruption, and they are times of growth. We can hold our breath and wait for it all to pass, or we can fire up the spirit of adventure. Make the choice, and energy will follow.

Until the next time, go well

Pam

Dancing Around the Edges of Change

Your younger brother has a stroke. Your best friend is diagnosed with diabetes. Your doctor mentions, again, that your numbers are iffy: LDL, HDL, BMI, and CRP; systolic, diastolic.

You watch it all go by as if it were just another reality TV show. Somehow you sense that this is a story about you, but you don’t really want to think about it. You don’t have time. You’re too young to have issues. You are too old to change.

James Prochaska at the U of Rhode Island has identified five stages of readiness for change. He labels the stage described above, “pre-contemplation.” Although aware of potential issues in this stage, you don't intend to change in the foreseeable future.

Pre-contemplators come in various shades of “no.” Some are reluctant to try new habits; they are attached to the status quo. Others rebel against the implication that someone else might force them to act differently. Energy is a limiting factor for those who are simply overwhelmed by their problems. People who argue that the doomsday prophets are over-reacting, and that circumstances don’t apply to them, attempt to rationalize their resistance.

Studies reveal a common thread in working with those who resist change despite the evidence. The most effective starting point, in many cases, is empathy--deep understanding and profound respect for one’s emotions and experiences. Empathy can be powerful whether it comes from another (friend, family, professional) or from within. William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick at the U of New Mexico have studied addictive behaviors. They find that a significant predictor of progress among addicts a year after entering treatment is the expression of sincere empathy during the intake interview.

Empathetic understanding reveals, “all of us are doing our best, even when we’re not.” We gain energy, confidence and motivation from calm, non-judgmental acceptance and respect.

What would it look like to respect our loved ones and ourselves—just the way we are—even in light of compelling reasons to change? Might accepting “what is” open the door to a better future? Science says it could. What about giving it a try?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Time and Art 2: Paint it, Crop it, Frame it

The best part about launching an analogy is the response from those who live the underlying reality. I enjoyed comments on the whitewater analogy by two rafting guides and a whitewater kayaker. I also appreciated an artist friend’s observation on “Time and Art: Frame it and Paint it.”

Melisse recounted how awful it is to be given a canvas and frame and asked to fill the space. The frame-it-and-paint-it phrase gave her the willies. Though I had my own reasons for that sequence at the time, I found it enlightening to reframe the analogy with broader horizons.

My friend suggests an alternative model: “Paint it, Crop it, and Frame it.” That sequence enables the artist to explore a theme without preconceived borders…to let the colors and shapes flow with the spirit. After unrestrained expression has run its course, a boundary can be created that responds to and honors the creative process rather than confining it in advance.

So, how does that apply to the art of designing time? It is morning; I am looking ahead to the day, figuring out what to do when. I celebrate the blank-canvas calendar free of commitments. However, I am also tempted to fit in everything under the sun. I want to work out, to visit with a friend, to write a letter, and to work on my business plan. I want to wash the floor and weed the garden. Take a nap and go shopping. Cook and watch a movie. The options tend to overflow on such a day, and I am paralyzed by the effort to fit the painting into a 24-hour frame.

Melisse offers the option of sketching the pattern over a larger scale, swirling colors together to see how they look in combination, and only then imposing a frame. First expand the options, then trim around the edges to fit within limits.

How does that work for you? The things you want to do next week exceed the time available. That’s OK: paint them anyway. After taking a broader view, priorities emerge more clearly and elements that don’t fit well this time can be incorporated into the next scene.

I wish you the joy of relating to life and time as a work of art. May it always be beautiful as the shapes, tints, and shades evolve from hour to hour and year to year.

Until the next time, paint well.

Pam

A Wedding and A Funeral

Within a 10-day span, I attended the wedding of dear friends and watched the Kennedy funeral on television. Events such as these are sacred, in part, because they call us to celebrate the best and look past the rest.

A wedding looks forward with promise. It calls upon the love of two people to last, to hold them together in committed partnership. The Scripture read at this wedding reminded us that love is patient and kind; it is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable. It never gives up. Its faith, hope, and patience never fail. In marriage, we promise to stay through better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health, ‘til death do us part.

A funeral looks backward when, at some point, death has indeed parted us. The celebration of life at a funeral calls to mind a person’s virtues, tenderness, and sense of humor. Person after person lauded Ted Kennedy for his commitment and perseverance. He never gave up on causes that he believed in. He let go of life reluctantly, as the work was yet unfinished. Differences, no longer relevant, were set aside as friends and rivals alike remembered the good. Flaws and setbacks faded into the background.

Both weddings and funerals are occasions for hope. They focus on the best we have to offer, whether looking forward to a lifetime of shared experience or looking back. They acknowledge future and past tough times, and they affirm that tough times are given us to transcend and transform.

Life’s journey, love’s journey, our own journeys: they are all about focusing on what is important and putting the rest in perspective. They are about hanging in there for better and worse. They are about promise and perseverance and getting up after falling down.

Imagine the end of your life. Loved ones are gathered. How do you want to be remembered? Do your choices today align with your deepest intent? Is it time to renew your vows?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Peak Experience: One Step at a Time

We spent the first ten days of August hiking in and around Yellowstone. We spent much of that time on ridge lines and peaks. High places have an irresistible draw. They provide a stunning perspective from the top of the world. They are graced by carpets of wildflowers and spectacular expanses of exposed rock. Sometimes they offer solitude. They are often cool and windy, creating their own weather. They are wild.

High places are also challenging. Narrow, steep, and often bumpy roads lead to muddy trails with tricky stream crossings. Mosquitoes, flies, and the images of grizzly bear haunt the approach. Lightning flashes; thunder rolls in the distance. Aging quads burn with the climb and knees creak as they descend. A question recurs, "Is this all worth the effort?" The reply resounds, "YES!"

I love mountains. Growing up on the flat land of central Indiana, I read tales of the mountainous West and begged my dad to take us there. When I was 11, we went to Colorado on vacation; mountain fever infected me then, as it has so many others. I crave literal “peak experiences” and return for them again and again.

However, as the challenges multiply with age, I find it ever more important to engage the mountain one step at a time. On this trip, I was keenly aware that a destination on the horizon could be a stretch. I hedged my goals with words like “try,” and “hope.” Plan B became a bigger part of the mix. Time and again, I arrived at the top with a sense of wonder: "How did I get here?" "One step at a time." I was more confident with every hike, as I experienced the power of repeating small efforts. Onward and ever upward. My spouse and buddy Lyle is great at going ahead when I am ready to turn back. We did it together.

I love analogies, and this one is too rich to pass by. Peak experiences offer extraordinary rewards. They demand effort, can be attained by committing to many small steps, and are more likely to occur when a congenial buddy with similar goals is along for the climb.

I invite you to draw comparisons with your own wellness journey. What peaks do you want to “bag” in the next few months? What do they look like, in detail? What is the view from the top? What do you crave about the experience, and why do you crave it now? Are you committed, or are you hedging your bets with “ifs” and “maybes”? What are some small and decisive steps you will take today and tomorrow? Who will share the experience as your buddy?

Until the next time, go well...and please send photos from the top.

Pam

Energy Part 4: The Soul

Spiritual energy transforms our best intentions into action, and maintains momentum over time. It also enables us to confront the uncertainties of our lives with flexibility, changing course as needed to deal with obstacles while maintaining a clear vision of the desired outcome.

The Power of Full Engagement describes spiritual energy as “the connection to a deeply held set of values and to a purpose beyond our self-interest.” In an earlier issue of Reflections, I contrasted mental energy (a train on its track) with spiritual energy (an airplane taking off).
The train is on a track to its predetermined destination, while the airplane has the freedom to navigate en route, to rise above storm clouds or divert to a different airport. Those of you who are pilots will tell me it’s not that simple. Neither is life.

Our life journeys are filled with circumstances we do not choose. The job may be a disappointment. Health issues appear out of nowhere. Relationships stumble; sometimes they fail. While mental focus and optimism serve us well when conditions are stable, they may not be strong enough to deal with the unexpected.

Spiritual purpose allows us to look beyond the destination on the travel folder: where we thought we wanted to go. It can rise above the two-dimensional world in which we normally live, and chart a different course that fulfills a broader need. With spiritual energy we can see through the setbacks of today and discover the lessons they intend for tomorrow’s growth.

Spiritual energy guides us and motivates us. Without it, our lives can be narrowly focused, self-absorbed, and filled with the frustration of unrealized good intentions. What are your deepest values? What is your unique calling? Why is it important that you know the answers to those questions and act on them? When conditions change, when there is fog on the road or a bridge is out or it rains on the beachfront holiday, the sense of deeper purpose will point the way.

Like physical, emotional, and mental energy, spiritual energy calls for attention and investment. It calls for a balance between devotion to others and caring for oneself. Consider your calendar. Does it include both the opportunity for reflection and the commitment to service that re-fuel your sense of purpose? What might you add or re-mix to better serve that need?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Wellness: A Do-it-Yourself Project

A key principle of coaching is expressed in the mantra: “It’s not about me” (the coach). It is about the client. Your wellness journey is about you. You pick the destination, research and design the itinerary, elect a mode of transportation and a style of lodging. You decide whether progress will be leisurely or intense, who to take along, and how to deal with the unexpected.

The first step in the wellness journey is to take a look at where you are, then to determine where you want to go. I am often asked, “What do you mean by wellness?” The following assessment points to the answer by asking the question in a variety of ways.

Adapted from the Wellcoaches® Quickie Well-being Assessment….

1. I am crafting a life that has meaning and a sense of purpose – it is a work of art. Y/N
2. I eat healthful foods most of the time to keep my energy and performance high. Y/N
3. I exercise my body with vigor more days than not so that I’m fit, strong, and ready for whatever life throws my way. Y/N
4. I smile to myself when faced with stresses and say, “I can handle this.” Y/N
5. I keep my energy high from morning to night, so I am rarely too tired for anything. Y/N
6. I have a positive and optimistic “can-do” outlook: I believe that I can accomplish whatever I set my mind and body to do. Y/N
7. I am satisfied with my weight—I feel in charge and competent. Y/N
8. I always look for ways to say “thank you,” and to do unexpected good deeds. Y/N
9. I plan and control my finances so they don’t control me. Y/N
10. I watch carefully for emerging obsessions or addictions (e.g., being right, smoking, drinking, drugs, work, exercise, eating, gambling, shopping). If they arise I work diligently on overcoming them, getting help if I need it. Y/N
11. I am responsible when it comes to getting medical tests, seeking medical advice, and managing any health issues. Y/N
12. I make time regularly to recharge my batteries and have fun. Y/N
13. I work hard to connect with people and build great relationships. Y/N
14. I understand that my life’s journey is to strive to be my best, by developing my strengths, continually learning, and viewing setbacks as the best growth opportunities of all. Y/N

Of the 14 questions, how many did you answer with “yes”? Where are you strong, and where would you like to be stronger? Did you find any aspects of wellness that had not occurred to you? Were you surprised by any of your responses?

The journey begins where you are. An assessment like this one is a kind of GPS unit, helping locate you in space and time. Where will we go from here? I can hardly wait!

Until the next time, go well.

Pam