Lemons out of lemonade. Silver linings. Lessons learned. A reason for everything. Accept. Embrace. Celebrate. Appreciate. Transform.
I have been grasping at clichés in search of profundity all week, wrestling with my first persistent cold virus in many years. It is, on one level, trivial. It is not life threatening. It is annoying, nothing worse. But it is really annoying! I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can’t stay awake. I can’t sleep. Drugs that dry me out give me nightmares. I am crabby. I am self-absorbed. As much as I drip and sneeze, I am a social pariah.
OK, so what do I do with the commitment to “reflect” in public once a week, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health? I thought of bringing forward a past issue of Reflections, one that reflected a more insightful and illuminated frame of mind. On the other hand, I resist the hypocrisy of implying that I am always on top of this game. Reflections is a shared journey with buddies; not a performance for an audience.
In Reflections we see life as journey with potholes, flat tires, and white-outs. I am grateful for the thousands of miles of safe travel and thousands of healthy days I have enjoyed—and have taken for granted. I hope that this period of annoyance will heighten my appreciation of health when it returns. I want to experience a happy body for what it is—a precious gift, not an inalienable right.
In the meantime, I am napping…reading…watching old episodes of The West Wing, eating fruit for health and salt for comfort. I am humbled by the impact that a naked string of viral DNA can have on my perception of mental, emotional, and spiritual—as well as physical—well-being. And I am not straying far from my box of tissues.
What are your secrets for making the best of a bad cold? How do you deal with unexpected detours on the journey to well-being? Lacking sorely in inspiration, I look eagerly to those of you who are willing to share from your own reserves of experience and enlightment this week.
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Midlife Makeover: Uniting and Re-uniting
A wedding is an exercise in family-building; visibly uniting two individuals, their families, and their friends and committing to long-term mutual support. A wedding is also an exercise in family-rebuilding, re-uniting family members and friends who have, in some cases, allowed time and distance to separate their lives for far too long.
Jonathan and Jennie provided the occasion for a remarkable re-union on my side of the family. Brother, niece, cousins, and best friend from college came from the points of the compass to celebrate the wedding of a nephew/cousin/second-cousin/godchild whom they had last seen in person 10 or 20 years ago (or not at all).
Family and friends from other branches of the family-and-friend tree converged on central Ohio from nearby and far away. Scotland and England. Michigan, Wisconsin, and Illinois. Massachusetts and Connecticut. Florida. California and Oregon. Tennessee and Georgia. Ohio: Cleveland, Columbus, Tiffin, Cincinnati, and Grove City. Montana.
I saw a life-lesson unfolding as so many wonderful people acted on the commitment to be present for this celebration. The connections of family and friendship last, and they grow. They endure across distance; whether we are city blocks, miles, or an ocean apart. A wedding inspires us to celebrate those connections and commit to their future. We celebrate the love and commitment of the bride and groom. We also celebrate the love of family and friends, united by a shared history and re-united for a shared future.
As we dispersed, we promised to stay in touch, to send photos, to become Facebook Friends. We invited one another to come and visit. We renewed our vows to be better siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, parents, children, and friends.
What about your family? Your friends? Does it take a wedding to remind you how important they are? Better a wedding than a funeral to bring you together. Midlife is a time for reflecting on relationships from the past and re-committing to a future that is better connected and more nurturing than ever.
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
www.wellbuddies.com
Jonathan and Jennie provided the occasion for a remarkable re-union on my side of the family. Brother, niece, cousins, and best friend from college came from the points of the compass to celebrate the wedding of a nephew/cousin/second-cousin/godchild whom they had last seen in person 10 or 20 years ago (or not at all).
Family and friends from other branches of the family-and-friend tree converged on central Ohio from nearby and far away. Scotland and England. Michigan, Wisconsin, and Illinois. Massachusetts and Connecticut. Florida. California and Oregon. Tennessee and Georgia. Ohio: Cleveland, Columbus, Tiffin, Cincinnati, and Grove City. Montana.
I saw a life-lesson unfolding as so many wonderful people acted on the commitment to be present for this celebration. The connections of family and friendship last, and they grow. They endure across distance; whether we are city blocks, miles, or an ocean apart. A wedding inspires us to celebrate those connections and commit to their future. We celebrate the love and commitment of the bride and groom. We also celebrate the love of family and friends, united by a shared history and re-united for a shared future.
As we dispersed, we promised to stay in touch, to send photos, to become Facebook Friends. We invited one another to come and visit. We renewed our vows to be better siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, parents, children, and friends.
What about your family? Your friends? Does it take a wedding to remind you how important they are? Better a wedding than a funeral to bring you together. Midlife is a time for reflecting on relationships from the past and re-committing to a future that is better connected and more nurturing than ever.
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
www.wellbuddies.com
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Midlife Makeover: Solmates
Though I am writing this beforehand, it will be published the day after the wedding. On May 15, two lives came together, and two individuals became a pair. The process of working out the details is life-long, if we give it that long (and many of us do not).
Last summer, in a vacation gift shop, I made a wonderful discovery. I found Solmates, a brand of hand-made socks that has since become a gift for any occasion. Jonathan and Jennie recently received a pair each for their birthdays. The gifts also carried a wedding wish. Solmates are colorful. They are creatively designed. They are made of recycled cotton. They are beautiful, individually and as a pair. They do not match! They harmonize, but do not match. I find them a wonderful metaphor for marriage.
Two souls find one another in the crowd. They discover a thread of mutual attraction. They enjoy the distinct yet compatible colors and patterns that emerge as they recount separate histories and dreams. With time, they collaborate in knitting new patterns and shapes, entwining experiences, thoughts, visions, and plans for a future together.
I have been writing in recent weeks about the growth of parent and child from birth toward independence. Independence is not, however, the end of the story. In exploring life’s full potential, many of us seek and find a mate. In so doing, we exchange some of our autonomy for togetherness. In midlife--the middle of living as individuals--we make ourselves over to match with another.
Like Solmates, the resulting pair is lovely. It is also functional, as two individuals fulfill a purpose together that neither can fulfill alone. Like Solmates, the individuals remain different while building a life in common as a pair. Happiness over the long term calls for honoring and celebrating the differences while seeking to knit with compatible colors and patterns.
Think about your partners in life...spouse, family, friends, workmates. Enjoy the differences and enhance the harmony that can result with a “mismatched pair.”
Take a look and enjoy! http://www.socklady.com/
Until the next time, go well. Pam
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Midlife Makeover: Partners in Parenting
There are so many bad jokes about in-laws. It’s scary. When Jonathan proposed to Jennie in October, we were delighted. It was not a surprise: We had helped him shop for and finance “the ring” earlier that month.
A few days later, a lovely note appeared in the mailbox. Jim and Mari wrote, graciously honoring the occasion and welcoming Jonathan into their lives for the long term. I was ready for Jennie. I had not yet expanded my view to appreciate that we were now part of a larger and more complicated web. I wrote back, feeling a little behind-the-curve in doing so.
December came, and Mari called (bless her heart). She invited me to begin the discussion of wedding dates, places, and plans. With this kind and welcoming gesture, she brought me to my senses. I finally realized that it was time for us to do something. As I often do with challenges these days, I pulled up “Google” and searched “role parents groom.” Results featured one prominent phrase: “Show up, shut up, and wear beige.”
That has, apparently, been traditional advice for the MOG (portrayed in the literature as a lowly subordinate to the MOB). I then wrote Mari a long e-mail, asking in so many words whether that was the role she expected from me. Her humorous reply initiated a wonderful friendship that I expect to enjoy forever.
Lyle and I are so lucky! Not only do we love Jennie, but we are also having fun getting to know her folks. Mari and I e-mail most days and have broadened our sharing beyond wedding plans. We share many values and interests, laugh together, and tend to be “detail-oriented” in a way that is both helpful and annoying to those around us. We are also learning from our differences and from one another’s experiences.
It is a big deal to share your child with someone else’s child. It’s an even bigger deal when two families embark on a shared future. Our perceptions, values, priorities, and behaviors as parents will now affect one another through the happiness of our children. There is no greater gift to our children (or ourselves) than to build a partnership in parenting that honors and celebrates similarities and differences in building a bigger and better whole.
How does your expanded family—by birth, by choice, by the choices of others—enrich your life?
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
www.wellbuddies.com
A few days later, a lovely note appeared in the mailbox. Jim and Mari wrote, graciously honoring the occasion and welcoming Jonathan into their lives for the long term. I was ready for Jennie. I had not yet expanded my view to appreciate that we were now part of a larger and more complicated web. I wrote back, feeling a little behind-the-curve in doing so.
December came, and Mari called (bless her heart). She invited me to begin the discussion of wedding dates, places, and plans. With this kind and welcoming gesture, she brought me to my senses. I finally realized that it was time for us to do something. As I often do with challenges these days, I pulled up “Google” and searched “role parents groom.” Results featured one prominent phrase: “Show up, shut up, and wear beige.”
That has, apparently, been traditional advice for the MOG (portrayed in the literature as a lowly subordinate to the MOB). I then wrote Mari a long e-mail, asking in so many words whether that was the role she expected from me. Her humorous reply initiated a wonderful friendship that I expect to enjoy forever.
Lyle and I are so lucky! Not only do we love Jennie, but we are also having fun getting to know her folks. Mari and I e-mail most days and have broadened our sharing beyond wedding plans. We share many values and interests, laugh together, and tend to be “detail-oriented” in a way that is both helpful and annoying to those around us. We are also learning from our differences and from one another’s experiences.
It is a big deal to share your child with someone else’s child. It’s an even bigger deal when two families embark on a shared future. Our perceptions, values, priorities, and behaviors as parents will now affect one another through the happiness of our children. There is no greater gift to our children (or ourselves) than to build a partnership in parenting that honors and celebrates similarities and differences in building a bigger and better whole.
How does your expanded family—by birth, by choice, by the choices of others—enrich your life?
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
www.wellbuddies.com
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Midlife Makeover: Balance and the Heart
Last week, I reflected on the personal significance of April 26. This week I anticipate the new meaning of May 15. It is all about transitions, balance, and the heart.
Emotional balance calls for weighing connection against autonomy. That balance is a challenge we face in friendship, on teams, and in families. What does it mean to be in relationship? How much do I ask that you change to please me, and how much do I change to accommodate you? What are the tipping points between dependence, independence, and interdependence? How does one achieve intimacy while retaining identity?
Parenting presents a particular challenge for us in seeking emotional balance. Our babies start out as a part of us. They spend the rest of their lives becoming separate. Our roles are to nurture and protect while enabling growth. To embrace and hold close while pushing out the door. There is no single point of balance; the scales are always in motion.
There are, however, milestones: The first day of kindergarten. First sleep-over. First date. Driver’s License. College. Study abroad. Graduation. First Form 1040 with “dependent” unchecked. OK, that’s about April 15.
I was talking about May 15. Jonathan and Jennie are marrying that day. Talk about milestones! From that day forward, “home” clearly has a different address for them. Next of kin, likewise. Their relationship has been incubating for two years, and the shift has been taking place over time. We celebrate the experience of seeing our only son find lasting love. We look forward to broadening our own family picture to include Jennie, her parents, her sister, and more.
On the other hand, the unique bond of emotional attachment that began with conception is stretched by this decisive occasion. It stretches to include Jennie and it stretches to allow Jonathan to become even more himself, apart from us. As it should be.
But tears form. As they should.
It is midlife; the middle of living. What does this time in life ask of your emotions? Are you passing milestones that call for more or less intimacy, more or less autonomy? Where does holding close interact with letting go in a new and important way?
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
www.wellbuddies.com
Emotional balance calls for weighing connection against autonomy. That balance is a challenge we face in friendship, on teams, and in families. What does it mean to be in relationship? How much do I ask that you change to please me, and how much do I change to accommodate you? What are the tipping points between dependence, independence, and interdependence? How does one achieve intimacy while retaining identity?
Parenting presents a particular challenge for us in seeking emotional balance. Our babies start out as a part of us. They spend the rest of their lives becoming separate. Our roles are to nurture and protect while enabling growth. To embrace and hold close while pushing out the door. There is no single point of balance; the scales are always in motion.
There are, however, milestones: The first day of kindergarten. First sleep-over. First date. Driver’s License. College. Study abroad. Graduation. First Form 1040 with “dependent” unchecked. OK, that’s about April 15.
I was talking about May 15. Jonathan and Jennie are marrying that day. Talk about milestones! From that day forward, “home” clearly has a different address for them. Next of kin, likewise. Their relationship has been incubating for two years, and the shift has been taking place over time. We celebrate the experience of seeing our only son find lasting love. We look forward to broadening our own family picture to include Jennie, her parents, her sister, and more.
On the other hand, the unique bond of emotional attachment that began with conception is stretched by this decisive occasion. It stretches to include Jennie and it stretches to allow Jonathan to become even more himself, apart from us. As it should be.
But tears form. As they should.
It is midlife; the middle of living. What does this time in life ask of your emotions? Are you passing milestones that call for more or less intimacy, more or less autonomy? Where does holding close interact with letting go in a new and important way?
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
www.wellbuddies.com
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