Holiday Survivor: Set Them Wide, Set Them Low

When the Survivor series began in November, we focused on the formal public holidays: the ones with red dates on the calendar and greeting cards in the stores. We explored core holiday values such as gratitude, religious purpose, generosity, and new beginnings. And, in the pursuit of a happier, healthier, and more peaceful season, we have been setting goals and monitoring progress from week to week.

Today I invite you to consider yet another key component of year-end (and beginning) in our culture: football tournaments and championship games. My fellow coach and buddy, Jen, employed a goal-post reference in her Facebook post this week. Her analogy challenged me to reflect once again on goals, success and celebration.

So often we set personal goals on a par with solving the economic crisis and securing world peace. As we look forward into a new year and its inevitable resolutions, we are tempted to build a long and comprehensive self-improvement list. Before long, the list yellows and crumples and falls to the bottom of our pile. Reality re-asserts itself. We resign ourselves again to the fact that this will not be the year for losing 40 pounds, running a marathon, mastering Tai Chi, or learning Hindi. We sign up for the 8-week fitness program, and go twice. Santa brings a home gym, but we don’t get around to clearing space and setting it up. Sigh.

You may wonder what happened to the football game. I’m getting there. The goal post represents a critical element of success in football. Touchdowns make a bigger impression, but field goals and “extra points” often win or lose the game. We Montana Grizzly fans are painfully aware of the field goal that almost-but-didn’t happen in the championship game this year.

Likewise, when building new and healthier habits, the one-point victories are critical to winning the game and, eventually, the season. What are you most proud of doing yesterday to enhance your well-being? What will define success today? Share your intent with a buddy and celebrate success together. When you miss an extra point, review the tapes and adjust your approach.

When it comes to goalposts in the personal improvement game, I also encourage you to “set them wide and set them low.” Success is built, one point at a time, by taking on the “do-able,” today and again tomorrow.

Wishing you a happy and healthy transition to the New Year.

GO TEAM!

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Staying the Course

Here we are, entering Week 5 of the season that began with turkey, cranberries, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie. As we have reflected together on holiday wellness, I have encouraged a process of setting do-able weekly goals that support your personal holiday values. If you are like most of us, some weeks worked better than others, some goals made a difference, and some did not survive the competition with other priorities.

With 11 days to go in 2009, how do we look at the process of establishing and maintaining habits that support the life we want to live? Are health and well-being a project we take on a few weeks at a time, once or twice a year? Or are they core elements of our life’s journey? If the former, we might drop those good intentions now and pick them up again on January 2. If the latter, we will continue using this time of extra challenge to develop skills and strengths to enter the New Year with optimism and conviction.

Let’s look at the next few days as if they were the home stretch on a long run or hike or bike ride or river trip. Since Thanksgiving we have enjoyed many holiday experiences. We have also, quite likely, gotten a flat tire, skinned a knee, or flipped in the rapids. What did we do after things went awry? Maybe we stopped, had a fit, and gave up on the trip. Maybe we allowed ourselves to remain crabby for several days, looking for someone to blame. Or maybe, like my buddy Cristi (after her Christmas tree blew off the car and the car later caught on fire and the brakes and steering went out) you laughed and said “at least no one was hurt.”

Cristi is a role model for me this season. She reminds me to take it in stride and enjoy the ride. Treat the holiday experience as a journey. Release the idea of a perfect destination. Assemble a flexible array of activities and traditions you might enjoy, then choose “in the moment” the ones that fit best for you and yours. If you try something and it doesn’t work, let go, laugh, and give thanks for the chance to learn. Stay the course.

If you can maintain a spirit of adventure and flexibility, you will be well on your way to a happy new year. You will savor the memories of lovely moments and passing stresses. You will celebrate successes. You will have energy for a surge into new beginnings. You will view those New Year’s resolutions as building on progress, not making up for past “sins.”

So, which will it be for you? What one small thing will you do in the coming week to stay the course and honor those core holiday values that mean the most?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: It’s an Energy Thing

Mid-December is a great time to revisit my favorite energy book, The Power of Full Engagement. Those who have been reading Reflections for awhile will remember authors Jim Loehr, Tony Schwartz, and their concept of oscillation.

According to Loehr and Schwartz, humans have an internal energy cycle that turns over every 90-120 minutes or so. They recommend that we design our time with a cycle of effort and recovery that taps into the natural cycles. If we oscillate between energy output and energy intake, we will be more effective in sustaining productivity over the long haul.

It is so easy this time of year to run on overload. We act on the illusion that we will get more done if we rise early, push hard, and go to bed late. We skip our workouts, go shopping during lunch hour, and move from daytime work into evening commitments without a break. Is it surprising that fatigue and poor health often flow from such a schedule?

What would it take to manage a holiday schedule that incorporates both periods of exertion and periods of recovery?

Look at the week ahead. Pick a day or two that present a particular challenge to your energy. Apply creative purpose to the challenge of designing that day with oscillation. After baking or writing cards for an hour or so, sit down and read the paper for 15 minutes. At work, schedule a 15-minute walk with a friend after focusing on a single project for 90 minutes. Commit to leaving early for the Christmas concert, so you can find parking and a seat and still have 20 minutes to stare into space before the music begins.

Oscillation counters the impulse to work on everything at once, or to skip from task to task in units of minutes rather than hours. The discipline of alternating exertion with recovery is useful any time of year. It is especially helpful now.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Find a Buddy, Be a Buddy

Wellbuddies Coaching takes its name from the importance of partners on the journey to health and happiness. Surviving the holidays and celebrating success on New Year’s Day are more likely to happen if we do it together.

Buddies are found in many places, and they support one another in different ways. My weekly Weight Watchers® meeting is a major source of support when it comes to healthy eating and weight management. Joan, Gail, and I maintained a recent hiking commitment in the face of unplanned snow, rain, fog, and mud. Ann and I meet for a long run, even when the overnight low leaves frost on the grass. Jane and I exchange e-mails almost daily, supporting one another from a distance through the peaks and valleys of work and family life, eating, exercise, and energy. Finally, I am working with my life partner Lyle to plan holiday travel and family visits that include physical activity, nutritious eating, and adequate rest.

How might you engage with others in a spirit of mutual support during this time of accelerated stress and busy-ness? Meet for physical activity. Brainstorm ideas for dealing with stress. Share healthy recipes. Check in by phone or e-mail to encourage one another’s commitment to holiday goals. Serve as a sounding board for frustrations and setbacks, then encourage a fresh start and sustained effort.

Who are your wellbuddies? Which aspects of your wellness journeys do you share? What will you do in the coming week to offer support your buddies, and to ask for theirs?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Small Steps are Best

I want to maintain a healthy weight over the holidays. I want to hold an open house. I want to mail holiday letters early. I want to enjoy the family gathering at Aunt Tillie’s house. These sound like great goals. They fit within my top priorities and support my core holiday values. What could be wrong with this picture?

All of these goals are large. They are vague. They encompass a timeframe a month or more in length. They describe outcomes. These goals are good intentions that point in the right direction, but they will not pave the road to happy holidays. A plan for success calls for setting goals that are small and specific, fit within the coming week, and identify actions we take to move toward desired outcomes. Our long-term vision of happiness must be broken down into steps that are do-able.

Many of us worry about chubbing-up over the holidays. I want to maintain my current weight, and may dream of dropping another pound or two. What will I do this week to support that outcome? First, I will check my calendar for social occasions centered on food. (Aren’t they all, this time of year?) I will envision the day of the holiday lunch in detail. I’ll plan what to eat that morning for breakfast, what to snack on mid-morning, and what I will have in the evening—emphasizing healthy, low-calorie options for most of the day. I will then decide how to manage the lunch itself, including beverage, main course, dessert. If I need to buy fruit or oatmeal or a chicken breast the weekend before, I will plan those actions as well. I will make and follow a checklist for taking the steps I have planned.

We certainly don’t want to approach every aspect of holiday life with the level of detail described above. Many of us hold a core value of celebrating in the moment, without all the structure and discipline we strive for the rest of the year. On the other hand, outcomes tied to core values may be worth the effort of detailed planning.

If I want to enjoy Aunt Tillie’s family gathering, what will it take to deal with thorny relationship issues differently this time? What steps can I take to improve the experience? If am stressed by last-minute mailings, it helps to list all the steps—write the letter, make copies, print photos, buy envelopes, order return-address labels, get stamps, update the address book, and schedule several chunks of time to writing personal messages, folding, stuffing, and licking. If I want to finish early, how do I define early, and what do I do when?

What small steps will you take next week, toward holiday outcomes that mean the most to you?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Reasons for the Season

The most intense concentration of winter holidays cluster in the six weeks between Thankgiving and New Years. They also center on the Winter Solstice, the day with least sun and most darkness for those of us in the northern hemisphere. Why do we gather now to celebrate our deepest religious convictions, express love and generosity, give thanks, and begin anew?

Winter is a season of challenge for life forms ranging from algae to alligators, hedgehogs to humans. Virtually the entire web of life depends upon the sun for energy, transformed by plants into food for animals and so on up the food chain. During the time of year that sun is most scarce, the living world has reason for collective concern. Our ancestors in the far north developed ceremonies that bid farewell to the sun and reminded it to return in spring. Even today, we know that mood can be affected by darkness and recent headlines declare that no one gets enough Vitamin D, the “sunshine vitamin in winter.

Outside of the tropics, winter is also a season of cold. Plants die or go dormant with freezing temperatures. Animals migrate or hibernate or shift their strategies to deal with lack of warmth and food. Humans layer on the clothes, crank up the heat, and make travel plans for Arizona, Florida, and the Caribbean.

It is no coincidence that we have generated traditions that generate festivity and celebration in mid-winter, when we need it most. This is just the right time to give thanks for our blessings,including the fruits of fall harvest. It is a perfect time to remember our most inspiring beliefs and to connect with our source of meaning and purpose. And, as the darkest day comes and goes, we are enlivened by optimism. The sunlight is returning...and we declare a New Year. Because we are a social species, we share these experiences of gratitude, faith, and renewal with those we love the most.

Last week you named three core holiday values--your personal reasons for the season. What worked well with actions you committed to take this week? What did you learn about the challenge of setting priorities and keeping promises to yourself? What three actions do you want to take next week? How will you strengthen the likelihood of success? Consider sharing your experiences here, in support of wellbuddies with similar challenges.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Reflect and Project

As we look forward through November and December, many of us are daunted by demands of the season. We wonder whether we can balance the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual dimensions of holiday observance without veering off center and toppling.

I would like to explore that challenge together in coming weeks, borrowing a title from the popular TV reality show, Survivor. Here we are, stranded on an idyllic island we variously call Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Black Friday, Eating Season, and the Winter Solstice. Although life on the island promises happiness, it often delivers less than we hope for.

I suggest that we enhance our holiday enjoyment by reflecting and projecting. Let’s reflect for a moment on our past experience, and project the lessons we have learned before onto the weeks ahead. (A few open moments, pen, and paper are helpful for this exercise.)

Quiet your mind, take 5 deep breaths, and ask yourself: “What are some of my favorite memories of holidays over the years? What happened, and what details do I remember most fondly?” List the holiday experiences, activities, and traditions that have meant the most to you.

Is religious observance a part of your list? What about decorating the house? Family gatherings? Baking? Do you love selecting perfect gifts for everyone on your list? Charitable giving or volunteer work? What about sending letters and cards? Do you live for parties, and enjoy entertaining? I suspect the complete list is a long one.

Now, take a harder look at the list and pare it down from “good” to “best.” If you could choose only three holiday traditions to feature this year, what would rise to the top? Why are they he most important for you? What underlying values do they represent? Is family most important? Inner peace and spiritual focus? Social connections? Physical health and energy?

Let’s position those three core holiday values at the center of your seasonal commitment. Name one action you will take next week for each core value. Perhaps you will engage daily in spiritual reading. Spend an afternoon writing the annual holiday letter. You might research options for family snow play. Run with a buddy. Put the actions on a calendar. Commit.

Many of your upcoming holiday events and activities will not fit within the top three values you have listed. That’s OK. However, if you have clearly identified your deepest values and highest priorities, those are more likely to come first when challenged by the rest. If they come first, you will emerge on the other end of December, satisfied that you not only survived the holiday season, but thrived. I look forward to celebrating success in the New Year.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

One Hundred Miles of Opportunity

Last weekend, I remembered again why I am such a proud mom. For the second year in a row, my son Jonathan entered a hundred-mile endurance run. For the second year in a row, according to official results, he “did not finish.” As he described it the first time, “I want to run an ultra, and this one fits my schedule. Maybe 100 miles is longer than I can run now, but I can run as much of it as I want.”

Why am I so proud? I am proud that Jonathan is mature enough at 25 years of age to envision an ambitious goal, to train for that goal, and to test himself in a very public setting. He let us all, family and friends, know about his venture. He shared the outcome with us all, happily and without apology after choosing when to end the quest. Last year he finished 45 miles; this year he finished 62 miles (100 kilometers­­). This year, he was also awarded an impressive silver belt buckle. Even race organizers acknowledge that “Plan B” is far better than no plan at all.

Jonathan likes to stretch himself and to aim beyond assured success. He likes to run for hours, and enjoys participating in group events. He wants to succeed. He would like to win. He is also mature enough to know and to accept when his body and spirit are expended. He is willing to stop at that point, adjust his definition of success, and celebrate the results--whatever they are. He enjoys the support of family, friends, and a new fiancée. We celebrate with him, recognizing the achievement of traversing 62 miles of desert, on foot, in 17 hours.

The goals we set for ourselves take many forms: they range from seemingly impossible dreams to small daily and weekly steps, around which we are more confident of success. The dream or vision sets the course; the smaller steps take us there. I like to think of the larger vision as the opportunity. Our training and effort determine how much of that opportunity we achieve in a given month, year, or decade of our lives. I offer the opportunity to learn, with my son, that achievements heading in the direction of our dreams are the stuff of success and celebration.

What is your most ambitious goal? What did you do in the past month to take you there, and how are you celebrating your progress? What will you do next week to take you further? Share your past success and future intent with others: strengthen your commitment by making it public.

Resist the temptation to think in terms of failure. Embrace the vision of testing, adjusting, and continuing from year to year. Life is indeed a marathon (or an ultra) not a sprint.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Fall Back, Reflect, Play it Again

As I work with people who want to live more effective lives, I am impressed with the role of reflection in personal growth. This weekend, as we turn back the clocks in adjusting to winter’s darker days, I am inclined to use that ritual as a reminder to reflect. This one day of the year, we have a chance to re-live one hour in a miniature time warp. We are drinking our morning coffee. The clock says seven. Voila! The clock says six. How do we want to spend that hour now, using the insights we gained from living it the first time?

Reflection is the act of stepping back from direct experience and viewing it from a distance. With a different perspective, we can see ourselves from the outside and observe our thoughts, feelings, and choices as if they belonged to someone else. We can ask ourselves questions that allow us to probe more deeply, understand more clearly, and learn from experience. We can chart a new course that enables us to try new approaches to opportunities and challenges.

As we charge toward winter, I find myself reflecting on lessons I have learned year after year with seasonal change. It is a big deal for me! As I noted already in September, the urge to hunker down, eat more carbs, and conserve energy is stronger than the excitement of getting up, out, and about. Reflection also reminds me that a structured approach to eating and exercise in the short term can get me through this tight spot and lead to enjoyable, sustainable, health-happy winter habits in a month or so. I have learned that active is better than passive in navigating the transition of November into the holidays.

What has helped you maintain a commitment to wellness through seasonal changes in the past? What is the key to your strategy for success this year? Given the chance to play it again, what will you do to take a cue from past successes and setbacks?

When the time came to share my wellness journey more widely, I chose Reflections as the name for this weekly journal. The reflections of others trigger exploration for me, and I trust the same is true for you. In sharing, we expand our search and the discoveries of our buddies reflect off our own. I encourage you to share your reflections with one another using the wellbuddies blog.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Science and Good Intentions: the Brain, Impulse, and Choice

The word emotion comes from roots that say “move .” The experience of emotion has an element of the involuntary. Feelings such as anger or fear can move us urgently to fight or flight. Feelings such as fondness and enthusiasm guide us toward cooperation and productive effort.

Our feelings can surge, wild and impulsive, on their own. In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman describes impulse as “feeling waiting to burst into action." Emotional intelligence includes the capacity to separate impulse from action and to insert reflective choice. Emotional intelligence is an important skill for the wellness journey.

Many of our least helpful habits are engrained and reinforced by emotional patterns. We eat when we are angry or bored or anxious. We abuse caffeine when we feel tired and alcohol when we feel shy. Loneliness can lead to mindless channel- or net- surfing. Healthier lifestyles call for learning new ways to work with emotions, attaching different responses to familiar stimuli. Our success in doing so can make the difference between good intentions and lasting change.

When the senses receive a stimulus, that stimulus is transmitted immediately to the amgydala, which reacts--and more slowly to the neocortex, which thinks. A reaction can become established in “emotional memory” and continue to function for a lifetime without passing through the reflective mind. Some paths are helpful, such as stepping on the brake when a bike darts into the street. Others are less helpful, such as reaching for a cookie when our partner makes a critical remark.

The process of building new habits entails re-wiring the brain, connecting key emotional stimuli with new responses. We bring the power of the neocortex into play, and make intentional changes to automatic patterns. We can learn to defuse anger with a workout, fatigue with a nap, anxiety with deep breathing, loneliness with a phone call instead of the unhealthy alternatives.

Where in your life do emotions hijack the brain on its way to thoughtful choice? Which responses would be healthier if you were not on auto-pilot? Pick one and lock in “manual controls” for a week. Keep notes that help you remember to stop, think, and choose differently. Watch the results and observe that new patterns become easier with repetition. While emotional behaviors may feel involuntary, they respond surprisingly well when confronted and re-directed until a new habit forms.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Sparks and Smooth Edges

My generation is engaged in mass exodus from the world of work into the promised land of retirement. The journey is filled with joys and challenges (much like the rest of life). We all seem to enjoy the freedom to wake up when we are ready. We like to choose our priorities, which often translate into more play and less drudgery. My friend Olleke describes her experience as “more Being, less Doing.”

While the joy of more freedom is one recurring theme; another, on the "challenge" side of the ledger, is at least as common. We wonder how to share time and space, 24-7, with our life partners after 30-or-more years of coming and going from separate worlds. I have come to think about that transition in terms of rough edges.

Like rocks and minerals, we develop an irregular shape over the course of our lives. Our psyches have hardened through habit, and we identify deeply with our preferences and opinions, values and schedules. Early to rise or late to bed, to air-dry or wipe the dishes, many projects or few, more play or more work, social life vs solitude, travel or not and (if so) where and for how long? Some couples sail through the transition to these new daily choices on a wave of unconditional of love and mutual consideration. I don’t happen to know those couples. The rest of us have rough edges.

Like the demons and dead ends we explored last week, rough edges provide us with a choice. We can insist and resist. Rough edges—when for example, they are embodied in flint and steel—generate sparks, heat, and fire. Most fires are small and go out on their own. Others expand and overcome the commitment of years: divorce among the recently retired is a growing trend.

An alternative choice is to see rough edges as smooth stones in the making. As we rub against one another’s bumps and points, we can choose to re-frame our absolutes in relative terms. Maybe there is space in this household for more than one opinion, or more than one approach to scheduling the day. Perhaps we can learn to enjoy something we never tried before. Maybe it is OK for my partner to pursue separate interests while I pursue mine, comparing notes at the end of the day.

Rough edges do not wait for retirement to emerge, and they are not unique to couples. We rub against differences with others all the time: at home, at work, in the neighborhood, on the freeway. We are faced hour-to-hour with the choice between insisting on our way, accommodating the demands of another, or seeking a solution that works for us both.

Where in your life do the rough edges rub? How do you work with the heat and light that result?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Of Demons and Dead Ends

A recent message from my buddy Wes occupies an honored place in the sticky-gallery on my computer: “How we deal with failure is far more defining than how we deal with success.” Like all of us some of the time, he had come through a tough week. Good intentions had evaporated in the heat of reality; the effort to meet everyone’s needs had fallen short of meeting them well. The story is universal; it is the human condition. How, then do we define our response?

Setbacks and challenges come from all directions. Some originate within; they are traits and habits that trip us up and prevent our progress. I call them demons. Years ago, I read the Tibetan Book of the Dead. As I recall, the spirit journeys through death on its way to rebirth. The path is guarded by demons, described in terrifying detail. The only way out is to engage the demons and move forward into the next life. Likewise, our personal demons demand attention. Failure, while painful and intimidating, shows us much about ourselves. Those insights allow us to engage our demons, to disarm them, and to be transformed into a better self.

Other challenges arise as external circumstances; they block our path. I call them dead ends. Given the season, envision a corn maze. The maze is laid out as a game with paths that work and those that don’t. Only by trial and error do we find the route that is open from end to end. If we walk the maze repeatedly, we learn from experience and navigate the intersections with confidence; we bump into fewer dead ends and complete the journey with ease. Likewise, setbacks on our life journey provide critical information about the route and the knowledge we need to navigate more smoothly in the future.

Setbacks do not feel good at the time. We are goal oriented and want to make the trip from beginning to end without a hitch. We may get frustrated and angry--with ourselves and with our circumstances. We may be tempted to give up. Or, we may choose to engage, and to celebrate the chance to learn once again from experience.

Name the demons and dead ends you have recently encountered. How have you responded? How might you re-frame failure as learning? Which personal traits have given you trouble, and what are strategies to engage and disarm those traits the next time? What are the environmental realities, and how might you design a route that finds the open way?

Our choices in the face of failure define the depth of our character, the quality of our journey, and the likelihood of our reaching the destination we desire.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Science and Growth: Building on Success

We in the US have generated a multi-billion dollar industry in our search for a healthy lifestyle. We buy exercise equipment, join health clubs, keep publishers in business with our love of diet books. We employ personal trainers (and coaches) and attend weight loss seminars.

Yet, we remain stuck in the land of good intentions, and we beat up on ourselves. Underlying the desire to change is a haunting fear that we can’t really do it. We recall past failures and dwell on the barriers to change. We will not be ready to take action until we can envision success with confidence in our capacity to grow.

David Cooperrider, at Case Western Reserve University, found a parallel dynamic in his work with organizational change. When organizations face a challenge, they typically focus on the problem, seek its root cause, and set out to fix what is broken. Cooperrider has tested an alternative approach. He begins with what is working well, and guides the organization to identify its unique strengths. His process, “Appreciative Inquiry,” encourages people to tell their success stories and to re-create the energy, excitement, and creativity associated with efforts that bear fruit. Organizations using this approach have realized remarkable outcomes.

Appreciative Inquiry has also proven effective in working with individual change. The following assumptions, tested first in an organizational setting, are also powerful when you are working with your desire for healthier life habits:

· In every organization (or individual), something works well.
· What we focus on becomes our reality.
· People have more confidence in the future if they bring something familiar from the past
· When we carry forward parts of the past, they should be the best parts.
· The language we use becomes our reality.

What works well in your life? What would your life look and feel like if you focused only on your strengths? What will you bring forward from past success in the area you want to improve now? Do energy and excitement grow as you bring forward the best of the past? How will you talk about the change you want to make—as a problem to be solved or a vision to be pursued?

Peter Drucker, a management guru at the Claremont Graduate University, once remarked that “leading change is about aligning people’s strengths so that their weaknesses become irrelevant.” Making lasting personal change is about aligning your strengths with your vision so that weaknesses fade into the background.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Cooler, Darker, Busier: It Must Be Fall

According to the paper, bears are eating 20 hours a day, storing up fat to last through the winter. Seated comfortably at the kitchen table, I find myself following suit. There is a powerful urge to eat more carbs, eat more fats, and fill to overflowing. The paper also notes that sun arrives here at 7:30 am and departs at 7:30 pm. Maybe that is why I find it so hard to wake up early for reflection or exercise, and why I lurch into the day groggy and unfocused.

Autumn is a spectacular season, and a favorite for many of us. Clear days with a crisp nip around the edges generate energy. Turning colors are brilliant against deep blue skies. The harvest is ripe, and farmers' markets abound with colors and tastes to savor and put away for later. Autumn is also, however, a time of transition, and transitions call for re-calibrating our expectations.

The seasons provide a convenient framework for reflection and anticipation. With the solstice and the equinox, we have a chance to look back, learn from, and celebrate the season that is coming to a close. We can also look ahead to what in our lives is changing, and develop strategies to adjust where needed. Students, teachers, and parents struggle to meet the demands of school and sports. Hunters scout the territory and sort their gear. Football fans consume weekend meals around tailgates. Plants are setting seed and birds are migrating.

What does the transition into fall look like in your life? Are you challenged to re-mix your workouts in the face of new schedules and less daylight? Do body and soul crave comfort food while mind and conscience struggle to meet that craving without bulking up? Does your schedule favor pizza-on-the-run over five servings of fruits and veggies? Are you overwhelmed by action and starved for reflection? You are not alone—these themes echo in conversations across the season, from brewpubs to Facebook.

Consider a broad range of strategies for adapting to the challenges of fall. Join a gym. Dust off the treadmill. Pull out yoga tapes. Buy some tights and a turtleneck. Engage a buddy in pre-dawn workouts. Keep a food log to eat mindfully and make wiser choices. Prepare and pre-package food on the weekend to offset a fast-food default during the week. Capture small gaps in the flow for reflection or reading—waiting for a child’s piano lesson, stopping at a coffee shop instead of driving through.

Transitions are times of disruption, and they are times of growth. We can hold our breath and wait for it all to pass, or we can fire up the spirit of adventure. Make the choice, and energy will follow.

Until the next time, go well

Pam

Dancing Around the Edges of Change

Your younger brother has a stroke. Your best friend is diagnosed with diabetes. Your doctor mentions, again, that your numbers are iffy: LDL, HDL, BMI, and CRP; systolic, diastolic.

You watch it all go by as if it were just another reality TV show. Somehow you sense that this is a story about you, but you don’t really want to think about it. You don’t have time. You’re too young to have issues. You are too old to change.

James Prochaska at the U of Rhode Island has identified five stages of readiness for change. He labels the stage described above, “pre-contemplation.” Although aware of potential issues in this stage, you don't intend to change in the foreseeable future.

Pre-contemplators come in various shades of “no.” Some are reluctant to try new habits; they are attached to the status quo. Others rebel against the implication that someone else might force them to act differently. Energy is a limiting factor for those who are simply overwhelmed by their problems. People who argue that the doomsday prophets are over-reacting, and that circumstances don’t apply to them, attempt to rationalize their resistance.

Studies reveal a common thread in working with those who resist change despite the evidence. The most effective starting point, in many cases, is empathy--deep understanding and profound respect for one’s emotions and experiences. Empathy can be powerful whether it comes from another (friend, family, professional) or from within. William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick at the U of New Mexico have studied addictive behaviors. They find that a significant predictor of progress among addicts a year after entering treatment is the expression of sincere empathy during the intake interview.

Empathetic understanding reveals, “all of us are doing our best, even when we’re not.” We gain energy, confidence and motivation from calm, non-judgmental acceptance and respect.

What would it look like to respect our loved ones and ourselves—just the way we are—even in light of compelling reasons to change? Might accepting “what is” open the door to a better future? Science says it could. What about giving it a try?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Time and Art 2: Paint it, Crop it, Frame it

The best part about launching an analogy is the response from those who live the underlying reality. I enjoyed comments on the whitewater analogy by two rafting guides and a whitewater kayaker. I also appreciated an artist friend’s observation on “Time and Art: Frame it and Paint it.”

Melisse recounted how awful it is to be given a canvas and frame and asked to fill the space. The frame-it-and-paint-it phrase gave her the willies. Though I had my own reasons for that sequence at the time, I found it enlightening to reframe the analogy with broader horizons.

My friend suggests an alternative model: “Paint it, Crop it, and Frame it.” That sequence enables the artist to explore a theme without preconceived borders…to let the colors and shapes flow with the spirit. After unrestrained expression has run its course, a boundary can be created that responds to and honors the creative process rather than confining it in advance.

So, how does that apply to the art of designing time? It is morning; I am looking ahead to the day, figuring out what to do when. I celebrate the blank-canvas calendar free of commitments. However, I am also tempted to fit in everything under the sun. I want to work out, to visit with a friend, to write a letter, and to work on my business plan. I want to wash the floor and weed the garden. Take a nap and go shopping. Cook and watch a movie. The options tend to overflow on such a day, and I am paralyzed by the effort to fit the painting into a 24-hour frame.

Melisse offers the option of sketching the pattern over a larger scale, swirling colors together to see how they look in combination, and only then imposing a frame. First expand the options, then trim around the edges to fit within limits.

How does that work for you? The things you want to do next week exceed the time available. That’s OK: paint them anyway. After taking a broader view, priorities emerge more clearly and elements that don’t fit well this time can be incorporated into the next scene.

I wish you the joy of relating to life and time as a work of art. May it always be beautiful as the shapes, tints, and shades evolve from hour to hour and year to year.

Until the next time, paint well.

Pam

A Wedding and A Funeral

Within a 10-day span, I attended the wedding of dear friends and watched the Kennedy funeral on television. Events such as these are sacred, in part, because they call us to celebrate the best and look past the rest.

A wedding looks forward with promise. It calls upon the love of two people to last, to hold them together in committed partnership. The Scripture read at this wedding reminded us that love is patient and kind; it is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable. It never gives up. Its faith, hope, and patience never fail. In marriage, we promise to stay through better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health, ‘til death do us part.

A funeral looks backward when, at some point, death has indeed parted us. The celebration of life at a funeral calls to mind a person’s virtues, tenderness, and sense of humor. Person after person lauded Ted Kennedy for his commitment and perseverance. He never gave up on causes that he believed in. He let go of life reluctantly, as the work was yet unfinished. Differences, no longer relevant, were set aside as friends and rivals alike remembered the good. Flaws and setbacks faded into the background.

Both weddings and funerals are occasions for hope. They focus on the best we have to offer, whether looking forward to a lifetime of shared experience or looking back. They acknowledge future and past tough times, and they affirm that tough times are given us to transcend and transform.

Life’s journey, love’s journey, our own journeys: they are all about focusing on what is important and putting the rest in perspective. They are about hanging in there for better and worse. They are about promise and perseverance and getting up after falling down.

Imagine the end of your life. Loved ones are gathered. How do you want to be remembered? Do your choices today align with your deepest intent? Is it time to renew your vows?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

The Spirit and Science of Personal Growth

As I work with people who are passionate about their wellness journeys, I find that the same two-track road leads most reliably to every destination.

On the one track, we have the Spirit: the deepest values that drive us to become our best selves. The Spirit is powerful, and it is elusive. It can be described, but not defined. Its fruits can be observed, but the creator of those fruits is invisible to the naked eye. A journey on the Spirit track is inspired by faith.

On the other track, we have Science: humanity’s current theory about how things work. Science observes. It is skeptical of anything inaccessible to the senses. Science tests hypotheses and discards those that do not hold up when challenged by facts. Science is pragmatic: if a theory doesn’t work, it doesn’t survive. A journey on the Science track is grounded in evidence.

Personal growth calls for change. We want some aspect of ourselves to be different—and better—a year from now. The Spirit path points us in the direction of change and fires us with a passion for action. Science tells us in practical terms how to get the results that we crave.

The science of behavioral change has various academic homes: organizational development, social services, health care. A common theme across disciplines is how best to align actions with intentions. An organization intends employee effort to align with its mission. Doctors intend that patients align their habits with the requirements of health and longevity. Social workers intend the skills of clients to align with the demands of productive and independent lives.

A successful wellness journey aligns our actions and habits with the well-being we intend. Spirit infuses our intention with direction and power; science helps us get there. Some approaches to behavioral change are more effective than others. In coming weeks, I will share some scientific findings that I find most helpful to a traveler on the road to greater health and happiness.

In the meantime, ask yourself, “What works for me?” Think of a personal challenge you turned around by changing your patterns of thinking and acting. What made it work then, when other efforts to change have failed? It is likely that your success stories are similar to those of others, and that we can all learn from the stories each of us has to tell.

Until the next time, be well.

Pam

Peak Experience: One Step at a Time

We spent the first ten days of August hiking in and around Yellowstone. We spent much of that time on ridge lines and peaks. High places have an irresistible draw. They provide a stunning perspective from the top of the world. They are graced by carpets of wildflowers and spectacular expanses of exposed rock. Sometimes they offer solitude. They are often cool and windy, creating their own weather. They are wild.

High places are also challenging. Narrow, steep, and often bumpy roads lead to muddy trails with tricky stream crossings. Mosquitoes, flies, and the images of grizzly bear haunt the approach. Lightning flashes; thunder rolls in the distance. Aging quads burn with the climb and knees creak as they descend. A question recurs, "Is this all worth the effort?" The reply resounds, "YES!"

I love mountains. Growing up on the flat land of central Indiana, I read tales of the mountainous West and begged my dad to take us there. When I was 11, we went to Colorado on vacation; mountain fever infected me then, as it has so many others. I crave literal “peak experiences” and return for them again and again.

However, as the challenges multiply with age, I find it ever more important to engage the mountain one step at a time. On this trip, I was keenly aware that a destination on the horizon could be a stretch. I hedged my goals with words like “try,” and “hope.” Plan B became a bigger part of the mix. Time and again, I arrived at the top with a sense of wonder: "How did I get here?" "One step at a time." I was more confident with every hike, as I experienced the power of repeating small efforts. Onward and ever upward. My spouse and buddy Lyle is great at going ahead when I am ready to turn back. We did it together.

I love analogies, and this one is too rich to pass by. Peak experiences offer extraordinary rewards. They demand effort, can be attained by committing to many small steps, and are more likely to occur when a congenial buddy with similar goals is along for the climb.

I invite you to draw comparisons with your own wellness journey. What peaks do you want to “bag” in the next few months? What do they look like, in detail? What is the view from the top? What do you crave about the experience, and why do you crave it now? Are you committed, or are you hedging your bets with “ifs” and “maybes”? What are some small and decisive steps you will take today and tomorrow? Who will share the experience as your buddy?

Until the next time, go well...and please send photos from the top.

Pam

Energy Part 4: The Soul

Spiritual energy transforms our best intentions into action, and maintains momentum over time. It also enables us to confront the uncertainties of our lives with flexibility, changing course as needed to deal with obstacles while maintaining a clear vision of the desired outcome.

The Power of Full Engagement describes spiritual energy as “the connection to a deeply held set of values and to a purpose beyond our self-interest.” In an earlier issue of Reflections, I contrasted mental energy (a train on its track) with spiritual energy (an airplane taking off).
The train is on a track to its predetermined destination, while the airplane has the freedom to navigate en route, to rise above storm clouds or divert to a different airport. Those of you who are pilots will tell me it’s not that simple. Neither is life.

Our life journeys are filled with circumstances we do not choose. The job may be a disappointment. Health issues appear out of nowhere. Relationships stumble; sometimes they fail. While mental focus and optimism serve us well when conditions are stable, they may not be strong enough to deal with the unexpected.

Spiritual purpose allows us to look beyond the destination on the travel folder: where we thought we wanted to go. It can rise above the two-dimensional world in which we normally live, and chart a different course that fulfills a broader need. With spiritual energy we can see through the setbacks of today and discover the lessons they intend for tomorrow’s growth.

Spiritual energy guides us and motivates us. Without it, our lives can be narrowly focused, self-absorbed, and filled with the frustration of unrealized good intentions. What are your deepest values? What is your unique calling? Why is it important that you know the answers to those questions and act on them? When conditions change, when there is fog on the road or a bridge is out or it rains on the beachfront holiday, the sense of deeper purpose will point the way.

Like physical, emotional, and mental energy, spiritual energy calls for attention and investment. It calls for a balance between devotion to others and caring for oneself. Consider your calendar. Does it include both the opportunity for reflection and the commitment to service that re-fuel your sense of purpose? What might you add or re-mix to better serve that need?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Wellness: A Do-it-Yourself Project

A key principle of coaching is expressed in the mantra: “It’s not about me” (the coach). It is about the client. Your wellness journey is about you. You pick the destination, research and design the itinerary, elect a mode of transportation and a style of lodging. You decide whether progress will be leisurely or intense, who to take along, and how to deal with the unexpected.

The first step in the wellness journey is to take a look at where you are, then to determine where you want to go. I am often asked, “What do you mean by wellness?” The following assessment points to the answer by asking the question in a variety of ways.

Adapted from the Wellcoaches® Quickie Well-being Assessment….

1. I am crafting a life that has meaning and a sense of purpose – it is a work of art. Y/N
2. I eat healthful foods most of the time to keep my energy and performance high. Y/N
3. I exercise my body with vigor more days than not so that I’m fit, strong, and ready for whatever life throws my way. Y/N
4. I smile to myself when faced with stresses and say, “I can handle this.” Y/N
5. I keep my energy high from morning to night, so I am rarely too tired for anything. Y/N
6. I have a positive and optimistic “can-do” outlook: I believe that I can accomplish whatever I set my mind and body to do. Y/N
7. I am satisfied with my weight—I feel in charge and competent. Y/N
8. I always look for ways to say “thank you,” and to do unexpected good deeds. Y/N
9. I plan and control my finances so they don’t control me. Y/N
10. I watch carefully for emerging obsessions or addictions (e.g., being right, smoking, drinking, drugs, work, exercise, eating, gambling, shopping). If they arise I work diligently on overcoming them, getting help if I need it. Y/N
11. I am responsible when it comes to getting medical tests, seeking medical advice, and managing any health issues. Y/N
12. I make time regularly to recharge my batteries and have fun. Y/N
13. I work hard to connect with people and build great relationships. Y/N
14. I understand that my life’s journey is to strive to be my best, by developing my strengths, continually learning, and viewing setbacks as the best growth opportunities of all. Y/N

Of the 14 questions, how many did you answer with “yes”? Where are you strong, and where would you like to be stronger? Did you find any aspects of wellness that had not occurred to you? Were you surprised by any of your responses?

The journey begins where you are. An assessment like this one is a kind of GPS unit, helping locate you in space and time. Where will we go from here? I can hardly wait!

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Energy Part 3: The Mind

Mental energy is at its best when we can focus our attention on one priority, allowing the rest of our lives and thoughts to wait their turn. Of the four dimensions of energy, I find mental focus the biggest challenge. Thoughts proliferate and disperse, illustrating the principle of entropy in an expanding universe of mental particles.

The energy of mental focus is needed to read. It is needed to write. It is needed to be fully present in a conversation. It is needed to enjoy a sunset, a flower, or a child at play. Focus calls both for attaching and letting go…attaching to a single object and letting go of everything else.

In Coming to Our Senses, Jon Kabat-Zinn writes a chapter entitled “A.D.D. Nation” He reflects on our cultural enchantment with multi-tasking and the ever-more abundant technology that promotes our doing many things at once. He points in particular to our multiple means for staying connected with others: cell phone, pager, text messaging, instant messaging, e-mail, social networking, and so on. Being connected is a good thing. We are a social species and our well-being is enhanced by a network of interpersonal knowing and caring.

On the other hand, we are also a species that reflects. Homo sapiens sapiens—the species that knows that it knows. Reflection is a solitary activity. It involves delving into the soul and developing the center around which to develop a principled life. Sometimes we are so well connected that we are in touch with everyone, every minute of the day—except ourselves.

Mental energy enables us to focus on one priority, to reflect, and to be present. Mental energy is enhanced by practice: we build capacity for focus by training ourselves to attend to one thing at a time. Mental energy is also enhanced by physical exercise. The brain represents 2% of body weight but uses 25% of available oxygen. People often report that their best ideas emerge when they are running or biking or climbing a mountain.

Practice makes perfect. Mind and body are partners. Connect and reflect. Food for thought. Are you challenged by an errant and exhausted mind? What works for you?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Time: Frame It and Paint It

Like energy and happiness, time seems to come in short supply. It doesn’t meet all the needs and wants that we ask of it. “So many books, so little time,” is a magnet on our fridge. We have all heard variations on that theme (some of them crossing the line of good taste).

I was once asked to bring a creative product to share with the group. With no artistic, musical, or culinary talents, I struggled with what to bring. Eventually I made a collage representing the design and combination of activities in time. I described time as a canvas, activities as the palette of colors from which to choose. That metaphor still works for me, as I enjoy painting a picture on the canvas of a day far more than fighting again with the day planner (and losing).

Some blocks of time are a paint-by-number set. Many work days have that appearance. The shapes are in place, and little numbers correspond to predetermined colors: budget meeting (15), conference call (33), performance rating (07). As much as they frustrate freedom of expression, a quality paint-by-number project can be quite lovely. It represents a whole that makes a harmonious larger picture of smaller parts. A busy work day can also be pretty.

Other days are more like a coloring book. The lines are there, but we can choose any color we want to fill in the spaces. Maybe we get the giant box of crayons (do they still make crayons?) and we can pick burnt ochre, magenta, or peach as well as red, yellow, and blue. I think of the typical weekend as a coloring book. There are errands to run, family events, social occasions—the structure is there, but we have freedom to create our own shades and tones.

Then, there is the scary magic of a blank canvas! Maybe the rest of the family is at a soccer tournament, or we have the day off but everyone else is at work or school. Or--an example close to my heart--we retire. What to do? Pull out the paint-box and the imagination. Sketch a few lines to suggest a shape or two then go for the color and the pattern and the image that arise from the vast depth of possibilities. Such a day can be as simple or as complex as you make it, and the definition of beautiful is left to you.

Time-as-art does not solve the problem of too many work or home or family tasks to fit into a day. It may, however, enrich the effort. If we see our day as a canvas, and strive to make each day beautiful in its own way, we may just have a burst of joy that would not otherwise appear.

What does that blank canvas suggest to you?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Energy Part 2: The Heart

Emotional energy governs the movement of our heart toward and away from our fellows. It sizes up the other, and determines in an instant whether they are friend or foe. Approach, Engage. Retreat. Fight, flee…or embrace.

All dimensions of energy are influenced by our thoughts. We noted in another discussion that even the restful sleep required for physical energy can be derailed or improved by events in the mind. Emotional energy is likewise enhanced when we pay attention to our thoughts about others and take responsibility for the direction and expression of our thinking.

Blame, anger, judgment, and the struggle for control arise from thoughts that sap the flow of energy and stop the power of engagement in its tracks. Acceptance, gratitude, forgiveness, and cooperation are expressed in thoughts that free the heart to join another in work and play on the common ground of humanness.

A few days ago, I was impressed by a conversation in the locker room among a group of women whose grievances over household appliances appeared bottomless. I hurried to dress and escape as soon as I could. I felt my love for life ebbing away with tales of faulty refrigerators and microwave ovens. It was such a relief to walk outside and celebrate the day by re-calibrating the contents of my mind.

If a rant about stoves and garbage disposals can strike such a discordant note, how much more does our energy suffer from harsh thoughts about people? Whether we dwell on the aggressive actions of nations around the globe, or the annoying habits of those who are nearest and dearest, a catalog of grievances is not the kind of reading that ignites a positive flame.

The habit of setting aside the critical thought, diverting the destructive conversation, replacing judgment with benefit of the doubt, takes awareness and commitment. The rewards in emotional energy are worth the effort. Emotional energy enables us to embrace the other and to enjoy the differences that, together, add up to a whole greater than any individual on his or her own.

Think for a moment about one of your most challenging “others.” What about them can you find to appreciate? How would you interpret their shortcomings with more kindness and understanding? Is there a way you might reach out, connect, and heal? Watch to see whether your inner energy improves with those efforts. I encourage you to share your experience with Wellbuddies if the spirit so moves.

Until the next time, be well.

Pam

Whitewater: FLOW with a Twist

Our recent discussion of FLOW leads me through free association to the metaphor of whitewater, introduced by my buddy Jane several years ago. In looking ahead to an extra-busy week, she wrote that she was perched on the bank of a fast-moving stream, preparing to jump in and hoping to stay afloat. We have often returned to that image over the years.

If the joy of FLOW occurs with a perfect match between skills and challenges, whitewater pushes the limits and calls for us to develop new skills. In whitewater, the current is powerful and the hydraulics complex. The movement is swift, and our responses must be intuitive and instantaneous. Small errors of judgment can flip us and carry us on an even wilder ride.

People who excel at running whitewater have developed skills in planning, presence, and recovery. They plan by studying a stretch of river in advance, running it repeatedly in their imaginations until the pattern of flow and response has become engrained in their very being. They employ presence in midst of the action. When they are in motion, they don’t think things through and weigh the options; they don’t worry about what will happen if things don’t come together. They are intensely present, focused on the demands of the millisecond. Finally, when upsets occur, and they always do, the whitewater expert knows can flip upright in an instant.

In order to experience FLOW in life when the pace picks up, it is helpful to model our efforts on the skills of those who run rapids for fun (and live to tell about it). Look out ahead, memorize the current, develop strategies for unexpected twists and turns, rehearse. When riding the current, set aside the fearful mind. Pay attention to what is happening now, and trust in training to guide the response. When the boat flips over, draw on highly developed skills and practice to resume an upright pose with a few deft strokes.

Look out to the week ahead. Where are the holes, the eddies, and the rocks? Is there a waterfall? Are you prepared to launch the week and ride the current with confidence? If so, practice your Eskimo roll and go for it. If not, listen to your inner voice and consider the wisdom of carrying your boat around the most hazardous conditions.

Until next time, go well.

Pam

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Eskimorolle-im-wildwasser.jpg

Energy Part 1: The Body

Two weeks ago, I introduced the four dimensions of energy: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Each of those dimensions is deep and broad enough to study for a lifetime. Nevertheless, I will be making a quick trip into each dimension over the coming weeks, to take a snapshot of energy challenges and some practices that can help meet those challenges.


Physical energy seems simple enough. The body needs food, oxygen, activity, and rest. The right mix of those elements will produce the energy we need to live a productive and enjoyable life. Why, then, do many of us lament a lack of energy when assessing our well-being?

Of the many issues we might discuss, one of the most challenging is lack of quality sleep. Sleep can be fragile. We can’t make sleep happen with good intentions, willpower, or sheer force. The harder we try, the further it retreats. Sleep entails letting go.

It is common for many of us to wake after a few hours, without being able to fall back to sleep. Our minds quickly turn toward issues of the day before or the day ahead. We fret about to-do lists. We replay or rehearse difficult conversations. We run through our mistakes or worry about upcoming challenges: over and over and over. Sometimes, but not often, we come up with the brilliant insight that fixes the problem we are working on. More often, we get out of bed exhausted from the effort with nothing else to show for it.

To fall asleep after waking during the night, we must release our thoughts and allow space to fill the field of awareness. Some useful techniques are drawn from the practice of meditation. Attend to breathing. Inhale one, two, three, four. Exhale one, two, three four. Envision a candle and lose yourself in the image. Remember a favorite place, and imagine yourself there. Adopt a soothing word or phrase, repeating it slowly. Try white noise, such as a fan or a sound machine to draw the attention without exciting a flow of thought.

The ability to influence our own thoughts is a skill worth nurturing. That skill can turn a negative situation onto a positive path. It can allow us to manage physical pain and to work our way through emotional distress. It can also contribute to physical energy by opening the door to restful and restoring sleep.

Is sleep a challenge for you? What about the body’s other basic needs? What one thing will you do this week to supply the fuel, oxygen, exertion, and recovery your body needs to keep on going, day after day?

Until the next time, be well.

Pam

FLOW and the Fourth of July

On July 4, 1776, the Second Continental Congress adopted the Declaration of Independence. That document affirmed “certain unalienable rights,” including the right to pursue happiness. We grew up with that phrase, but how often do we ask what it means? How often do we exercise that right in our daily lives?

Happiness, like energy, is an elusive target. We want it (the more the better). We think we will know it when we see it. However, when asked to describe it, we falter. The answer is often framed as an absence of suffering. We understand suffering.

I have enjoyed reading several books this year that challenge us to understand happiness. One of those is FLOW, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.

FLOW is a state of profound engagement in which time stops and we are captured by the richness and depth of the moment. FLOW finds that sweet spot between boredom and anxiety in which the challenge we face balances perfectly with our capacity to meet the challenge. FLOW takes action for its own sake, not as a means to a future goal. Star athletes, champion chess players, accomplished musicians, and participants in extreme sports experience FLOW. So can we.

Attention to the moment and its intrinsic value gives us a good start. Activities that exercise our skills at their highest level take us further down the path. Improving those skills, so that their limits increase and our delight expands in turn, generates even more potential for FLOW. Skills come in many forms: athletic, artistic, culinary, intellectual, interpersonal, organizational, and many more. We are programmed to seek and to find joy wherever we grow.

FLOW describes happiness as a state of being, not a goal. FLOW can be described. It can even be pursued, but only in the present moment—not in the future. What skills do you most enjoy using? Have you stretched them recently? This July 4, exercise the rights upon which our nation was founded—go out and pursue some happiness.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Four Faces of Energy

A few weeks ago, we explored the challenge of maintaining and renewing personal energy. Human energy arises from a complex array of dynamics. In The Power of Full Engagement, Loehr and Schwartz describe four dimensions of energy: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.

Physical energy gets us to up in the morning and keeps us moving and alert until we go to bed. It is the foundation of human energy, but does not on its own provide enough impetus to power an effective and enjoyable life.

Emotional energy charges us to engage our fellows. Emotions can generate either negative or positive energy. Negativity is debilitating; it views others as threatening, and triggers the primitive responses of flight or fight. Positive emotion energizes; it reaches out to others with love, and engages their differences in creative and constructive ways. A life charged with positive emotion is rich with fulfilling relationships.

Mental energy enables focus and conscious optimism. When mental energy is high, we can manage our thoughts to serve our values and needs. We are confident in overcoming setbacks and dealing with the unexpected. When we are mentally depleted, we see ourselves as victims. Our thoughts run amok, pulling us in a hundred directions and damaging our ability to focus on the important. A life fueled by mental energy is like a train on track, heading smoothly toward its destination.

Spiritual energy reaches beyond the self and its needs, infusing life with purpose and inspiration. Spiritual energy fires us up to expand our horizons—to dream, to give, and to serve. A life enkindled by purposeful ideals can rise above petty conflicts and short-term irritations to seek and advance a greater good. It is like a bird or a plane, soaring for the horizon.

Reflect on your own energy. Which dimensions of energy are strongest for you, and which could benefit from greater capacity? Loehr and Schwartz move beyond these concepts to provide practical approaches for enhancing each dimension. Stay tuned. More is coming.

Until the next time, be well.

Pam

Own the Change You Want to Make

“People don’t resist change; they resist being changed.” That saying is one of my favorites from a year of coach training. I find it a helpful insight both when I want others to change and when I consider my own desire to build new habits. Whether we want to lose weight, increase exercise, or manage stress it is important to frame that change in a way that makes it our own.

People who engage a wellness coach often begin the conversation, “My doctor tells me I need to….fill in the blank.” A few weeks ago, we talked about the down-side of fear as a motivator, and fear is often an undercurrent in doctors’ advice. In addition, we tend to resist when others try to make us change. The more intense the pressure, the more we resist. We resist doctors. We resist parents. We resist children. We resist spouses and partners (perhaps most of all).

Another variation on the same theme is our choice of words—in particular, the word “should.” I really should stop smoking. I should get up earlier so I can work out before other things get in the way. I should just stop eating cookies because I can never stop at one. I should bring my lunch instead of eating fast food. “Should” implies that some higher and more virtuous authority is telling me what to do. A sentence that begins with “should” often ends with “but I don’t really want to,” or “but I never seem to get around to it.”

An important shift occurs when we take charge of our own goals, and dig deep to find our own reasons for making difficult changes. What do YOU really want? What will YOU feel like when you are trimmer and fitter? How do YOU want to spend your golden years? Do YOU want to be active and energetic? Do YOU want to be focused and productive? Do YOU want to enjoy being in family photos instead of ducking out when the camera appears?

Watch for phrases that imply that a good intention is someone else’s idea; it will most likely remain a good intention. Practice re-framing your words to make the intention your own, and it will most likely become a reality.

Until the next time, be well.

Pam

A Celebration of Buddies

I am writing Reflections early this week, because on Sunday I will be running instead of writing. Jane, Ann, and I have been training since winter for the Deadwood Mickelson Trail Half Marathon. It will be our third as a threesome. I want to spend a few minutes today in their honor, celebrating the power of partners in having fun as well as success on the wellness journey.

Jane and I have been virtual running buddies for almost eight years. We met at a meeting, and got to talking about marathons. We had each run one. Slowly. We had the same shoe size. Extra large. Our running stories are filled with modest goals, small celebrations, and what I like to call “a human scale.” We lived far apart, but we started to e-mail daily about our training, our aspirations, and our setbacks. We shared tips on hydration, fueling, and clothing. We gradually expanded into family, work, and spirituality. All that time, we have been running together in spirit across the miles. Our few runs-together-in-the flesh have spanned the states of Wyoming, Alaska, Montana, Utah…and now, South Dakota. I celebrate Jane.

Ann and I have been buddies for more than three years. We worked together, and talked about running. We both loved to run. She asked me to run with her. I said no. I run slowly…more slowly than anyone can imagine. I am self-conscious. She insisted. We have been through two marathons (hers) and halfs (ours and mine). We have worked our way through body parts, learning new terms like: piriformis, plantar fascia, abductor, adductor, TFL, Achilles, and sacroiliac. We have run long miles talking about work and family, victories and challenges. We have solved problems and laughed at our foibles. On a human scale. I celebrate Ann.

Buddies are people we can be real with. We can admit our shortcomings and confide our hopes and know that we are safe. When we feel safe, we can both extend our reach and accept our limitations. We can set goals and meet them. Or not. We can get better and age gracefully. We can have a blast every step of the way.

Who are your buddies? Have you given them a hug recently? Do it now.

Until the next time, be well.

Pam

Do You Want to Change? STOP!

When we are inspired to make a lifestyle change, one tendency is to procrastinate; another is to jump in over our head and flounder. In either case, we may find ourselves stuck where we are, not making the progress we intend and wondering why not.

Sometimes, we like the idea of taking on a new habit, and may even commit verbally to trying it out. However, we haven’t done enough pre-work to ensure success. Using the travel analogy, we haven’t checked for construction delays, bridges out, the weather forecast (or haven’t figured out how to deal with them). It is often worth the investment to STOP before we act— before we join the gym or buy the stationary bike or take our “fat” wardrobe to the thrift shop.

When initiating a lifestyle change, mentally test-drive the route and its detours. Ask hard questions. What will be required of me and those close to me? Does it involve a change in schedule, at home or at work? Does it mean eating different foods at home or changing the patterns of eating out? Can I budget for the cost of a class, or equipment, or a membership? Do I have a compelling vision of the desired future and my reasons for going there? Do the benefits of making a change clearly outweigh the comforts of staying the same?

Let’s look at an example: I want to deal more effectively with work stress. I set a goal of meditating 30 minutes every morning during the week. My mornings are already full, so I need to carve out time for meditation by changing what I do now. I usually start the day with my husband over coffee. I prepare breakfast for my kids and pack their lunch for school. I like to stay up late and I hate to get up early. I have daily 8am staff meetings at work.

In this case, adding a new morning habit calls for the cooperation of family members. It means modifying my own expectations, and moving out of familiar patterns. It could involve negotiating standard practice at my workplace. If I am not sure why such a change is critical to health and well-being, I may not have the emotional strength to forge new rituals and let go of old ones.

Think about successful changes you have made, personally or professionally, and how you have worked out the details. Reflect on lessons you have learned about yourself, your environment, and your support network that can be applied to the current situation. Identify personal strengths and skills you can draw upon.

Ask yourself, “On a scale of 1-10, what is my level of confidence that I can make it happen?” If the answer is below 7 on the scale, spend some more time on “thinking and feeling” work before committing to action.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam