There are so many bad jokes about in-laws. It’s scary. When Jonathan proposed to Jennie in October, we were delighted. It was not a surprise: We had helped him shop for and finance “the ring” earlier that month.
A few days later, a lovely note appeared in the mailbox. Jim and Mari wrote, graciously honoring the occasion and welcoming Jonathan into their lives for the long term. I was ready for Jennie. I had not yet expanded my view to appreciate that we were now part of a larger and more complicated web. I wrote back, feeling a little behind-the-curve in doing so.
December came, and Mari called (bless her heart). She invited me to begin the discussion of wedding dates, places, and plans. With this kind and welcoming gesture, she brought me to my senses. I finally realized that it was time for us to do something. As I often do with challenges these days, I pulled up “Google” and searched “role parents groom.” Results featured one prominent phrase: “Show up, shut up, and wear beige.”
That has, apparently, been traditional advice for the MOG (portrayed in the literature as a lowly subordinate to the MOB). I then wrote Mari a long e-mail, asking in so many words whether that was the role she expected from me. Her humorous reply initiated a wonderful friendship that I expect to enjoy forever.
Lyle and I are so lucky! Not only do we love Jennie, but we are also having fun getting to know her folks. Mari and I e-mail most days and have broadened our sharing beyond wedding plans. We share many values and interests, laugh together, and tend to be “detail-oriented” in a way that is both helpful and annoying to those around us. We are also learning from our differences and from one another’s experiences.
It is a big deal to share your child with someone else’s child. It’s an even bigger deal when two families embark on a shared future. Our perceptions, values, priorities, and behaviors as parents will now affect one another through the happiness of our children. There is no greater gift to our children (or ourselves) than to build a partnership in parenting that honors and celebrates similarities and differences in building a bigger and better whole.
How does your expanded family—by birth, by choice, by the choices of others—enrich your life?
Until the next time, go well.
Pam
www.wellbuddies.com
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