Thank You for Being a Pain

It’s the morning after Thanksgiving. I am still thinking about gratitude. A few years ago, I read a book that introduced a creative twist on the benefits of thanks-giving.

In Worst Enemy, Best Teacher Deidre Combs walks us through the dynamics of conflict. She draws upon cross-cultural examples to demonstrate the ways in which our approach to differences of opinion and clashes of needs can be turned to advantage. She points out that the process of working through tight spots with others can bring us forward on a journey to wisdom and inner peace.

In Chapter 5, Combs credits Dr. Dan Baker with writing that we cannot process appreciation and fear at the same time. The perception of threat enters through the senses and heads for the center where reactions are dispatched. Our instinctive response to perceived threat is drawn from a narrow range of options: freeze, fight, or flee. If we pause in that reaction, we can expand the range to include options that defuse fear and anger, re-direct the threat, generate goodwill, and seek solutions. In the structure of the brain, gratitude and creativity are neighbors: Give thanks, defuse fear, and reach for wisdom.

A few years ago, a co-worker gave me a book by Mark I. Rosen: Thank You for Being Such a Pain. The book explores the role of difficult relationships in our personal growth. The book also gives us insight into dealing with conflict: Begin with gratitude; follow up with a creative response. “Thank you for being such a pain, I can learn a lot from you.”

Imagine someone you know making an irritating statement—the kind of statement that triggers a sarcastic defense or sends you sulking to another room. Now imagine yourself responding with “Thank you.” Envision in that phrase the portal to a different way of seeing. “Thank you; I hadn’t thought of that.” “Thank you, I will take that into account.” “Thank you, I can always use a reminder.” If Deidre Combs is right, the next sentence may take us creatively beyond the alternatives of striking out or running away.

Give it a try, and tell us how it works for you.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam